Sunday, May 25, 2008 Moises and Mendez-Palmares: Did i marry the right person? By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares singles talk
Michelle: Lest you or anyone reading this think that the title above has something to do with me, let me tell you that the title comes from a forwarded mail which talks about love and commitment in marriage. I’m reprinting excerpts of the write up which I think should not only be food for thought for married people but for those who are single and/or thinking of getting married. The story starts with one woman who asks someone (presumably the writer of this e-mail) a question that the writer said he or she usually receives during the seminars he/she conducts. The question: “How do I know if I married the right person?” Here’s what the writer answers: “Every relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to do anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love... because it’s happening to you.” People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.” It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened to you. Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of every relationship. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.”
DJ: A good friend used to tell me that 80 percent of life’s joy or suffering is from our relationships. In fact, my last relationship ended because I thought I was already tired of our telenovela-like situations. But she thought it ended because her brain started to work again. There are couples who share with one another information about their experiences but never the experiences themselves. It’s like eating cotton candy. It fills you up but there’s really nothing inside. A real relationship develops over time. It goes through very difficult times for it to come out stronger, better and real. An imperfect couple can still shoot for bliss given this imperfect world when they discern their choices well, when they choose to enjoy every moment for what it brought forth instead of judging or wanting otherwise.
M: The writer goes on to say: “At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, ‘Did I marry the right person’?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV watching, or abusive substances.”
DJ: A relationship can bring out the inner cheese the makes two people buoyant with happiness. It’s nice to hold-hands-while-walking with background music lifted from the Vicor Records album, Truly Mike Chan. But sometimes, it also brings out some jagged bloody bits of glass on one’s forehead! Weird sense of humor. Strange ideology. Even halitosis! The point is being in a relationship brings with it a commitment to change not just the situation but our selves as well. Besides, it’s at times better to stop waiting for something to begin or end and rather discover what is happening in front of us. Being the right one is more important than finding the right one.
M: So, what is the answer to this dilemma? The writer says “the answer does not lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.” I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And temporarily you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because the key in succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll never just happen to you. You can’t “find” lasting love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes wisdom. Love is not a mystery. Love in marriage is indeed a “decision”, not just a feeling.”
DJ: We can choose to continue just existing in a flatland, drowning in the same recurring pains, regrets and sorrows we hold deep inside us. We can also choose to see and love and nurture the relationship to its full potential. In all of it, we still are the authors of our relationships and creators of our history. We can beleive in love in all its cheesy glory just as we believe in unicorns who grant wishes and the little green creacture who chase after pots of gold. But love is also gut instinct and a whole lot of common sense. In fact, it’s really more of a decision rather than just a feeling. And to further make that point to our readers, let’s answer this brain exercise: Did you marry the right person? Or are you one of us?
