Sunday, June 29, 2008 Moises and Mendez-Palmares: He's playing hard-to-get? By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares singles talk
Michelle: I read about a woman who wrote about her “relationship” problem. She wrote: “I’ve been interested in a guy for a few years, and our relationship is mainly through texts and emails. We have met in person, talked on the phone a lot, and chatted online. I know he is interested too, but he is terribly shy (but I like it). When I offer him more clues of evolving our relationship from friendship to romantic, he backs away. I try to respect he needs distance. Still, I don’t want to be making a fool of myself. My question is, how long is too long for a guy to respond back to a passionate email? He has not yet responded. He has not said outright that he is currently interested, but he has hinted, and in the past has said he loves me. I’m so confused! Is it rude of him to make me wait so long after I have made myself vulnerable emotionally to him?” What do you say to this DJ?
DJ: Before I’d even comment, it would help to know whether this is a long distance relationship. Or is this a mix-up? I may be wrong but I think the guy is not interested. If ever he is, it’s not enough for him to commit to a relationship. A guy who likes a girl will call. He will find a way to communicate. Not every five minutes, but at a consistent pace to make her feel like his girl. Some women (a.k.a. hopeless romantics), at times, would try to imagine that he’s just being enigmatic, mysterious, busy or in this case, shy. But they should be careful. There might just be too little a chance for a romantic miracle to happen. Or to put it simply, he might just be not into her.
M: To me, this so-called relationship is not a relationship at all. I recall an article that said that this type of relationship is one of the dead-end dating patterns called “Fantasy.” We have a more precise term in the vernacular for fantasy - gadahom. When one is in the fantasy (gadahom) trap, one wants to believe that someone is into him or her but is just having a problem expressing it. So the tendency is for one to make up all kinds of excuses that the guy is “just shy” or torpe and ignores the clear signs that the other person does not feel the same way. I think even a shy guy will respond if the woman will make it easy for him. The shy guy will make the next move if he is truly into the woman. That’s why ladies if you drop clues and he backs away, I think it should be obvious enough that there’s nothing mutual about your feelings for each other. If there’s MU going on its not mutual understanding but a “MisUnderstsanding.”
DJ: Sometimes the most vibrant and fantastic beliefs are formed in the imagination. They’re like ghosts. They’re not real. Take this case. She gave him a clue. But he’s still clueless. What a match. She’s willing. But he’s unable. Maybe he’s just dense. Or perhaps she’s just not clear about her signals. But in my opinion, if a guy is still acting like a wooden plank and is not making any move, she might like to consider getting rid of that dreamy expression on her face. Sorry for bursting her bubble. If she’s been sitting on his inbox for ages already, she can take the more direct approach and face a possible risk of heading to an end. But at least she’s not perpetually stuck in an unrecognizable world somewhere in between the black hole and the twilight zone.
M: A lot of people are afraid to communicate what’s on their mind because they don’t want to make a fool of themselves. But by not communicating what’s on your mind and by just simply assuming or hinting, you’re bound to make a bigger fool of yourself. Being honest is the best way to figure out what is going on in a situation. If we hide behind our fears, we will not be rejected and we will not feel the pain of rejection. On the other hand, since we’re not putting our feelings out there then we don’t really know what the other person feels and there’s always that feeling of uncertainty, including the possibility of being rejected. Sometimes it’s not good to play safe. You don’t want to waste a couple of years. And it’s no good waiting in vain. Remember, time and tide waits for no man. Or woman, especially one with a ticking biological clock. Tick tock!
DJ: She’s in a point of “If.” She’s confronted by possibilities. She can choose to continue to stay in a flatland and possibly drown on the same recurring pain and sorrow. Or make a decision and face whatever are its consequence. But before she steps through from the point of “IF,” I suggest that she take the time to just be still. Step back, pause and review the past: her learnings, her joys, her sorrows. Everything that brought her to this point of “IF.” Then she choose to move forward and be content with the outcome. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to take hold of our life and to stop waiting for something to begin or end. Life is imperfect. But whatever our circumstance is, there are always things to be thankful and be happy about. We always have something special going for us. Who we are. What we have. Just right where we are.
