Sunday, July 06, 2008 Moises and Mendez-Palmares: Artful dodger By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares singles talk
Michelle: There are instances in our daily life when we want to avoid a person or a situation. Sometimes, we feel guilty for not texting back, returning calls or not honoring an invitation. Short of lying, there are a variety of ways to say no or make polite excuses to get out of anything. There’s a book “Artful Dodging” by Jeanne Martinet which claims to put an end to all those feeble excuses no one ever believes. Dodging is defined as fleeing, ducking or evading. Others look at it as white lying. Another calls it “navigating smoothly around life’s minor obstacles”. We all have to say no to some people at least some of the time. But there are ways to do it without hurting feelings. Lest one make a mistake, dodging does not mean lying on your résumé, running away from civic duties or hiding from law enforcers or from people whom you owe money. Call it by any name but dodging anyone and anything can be a daily challenge.
DJ: We only have 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. We just have to put first things first. While we’re open to as much inflow of relationships coming our way, we still have to choose which company to have and to hold. I still go for the straight-forward approach. It hurts sometimes. But come to think of it, we are free who to like. And it’s okay whether they like us back or not. Easier said than done. I know. But come to think of it, we did that to others too at least once in this lifetime. Once there was a guy interested in a girl and so he asked her, "Hey baby, what’s your sign?” To which she simply answered, “Do not enter.” We need not have to do this in a smug, in-your-face manner at all times, but it pays to be direct. Subtle hints do not usually work with guys. So are strong hints and obvious hints. Just say it!
M: Author Jeanne Martinet recognizes the need to cleverly confront unwanted face-offs. One can actually charmingly disentangle herself from not-too-pleasing and uncomfortable circumstances. Without telling a lie. Then again, who can categorically say that one tells the truth every time? I dislike people who brazenly lie especially if the truth is so obvious. Martinet explains that a person’s dodging impulse is triggered by altruism, semi-altruism (gently dodging to extricate yourself from unwanted entanglements), self-defense (dodging to survive), face-saving, butt-covering (when people tell you they never lie, they are lying), protecting your privacy, hedging your bets, time saving, boredom (when you are among bores, pests and the like, dodging is ok), fear and paranoia (never dodge when you are nervous about something that is potentially rewarding), and revenge. For example, I saw a friend who was with a girl who was not his fiancée. The tall tales that came out of his mouth! It would have been better if he kept quiet. But I think he had good reason to dodge. There’s said to be two basic motives for dodging people: to protect oneself or to shield others from harm’s way, or a combination of both. I think my friend wanted to protect himself from his fiancée if she found out that he was dating another girl while she was out of town.
DJ: Not nice. The guy’s giving love a bad name. But on other cases, the reason why men or women resort to dodging might also be because they want to communicate something but the relationship still lacks dimension and depth. For example, a girl is on her usual determined and relentless search for that perfect dress. Once she hears her man finally say she looks terrific, that can mean please don’t try one more outfit because he’s already starving. There really are times in which we just have to be sensitive to each other. Besides, knowing doesn’t always mean understanding. That’s why we need to communicate more often. There was once a story about a man and his wife on a marriage seminar on communication. They listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” The man leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?” That being said, what else is this Martinet girl saying on tactics used for dodging?
M: Oh well, she underscores that the following contraventions must not be committed. One: Not returning phone calls. This is not an acceptable dodging technique although it has allowable exceptions. It’s reasonable when you don’t return calls from pesky callers, strangers who want to be textmates/chatmates or worse, stalkers. Two: Standing someone up. It may be excusable to be a “no show” at large parties or gatherings as long as you apologize afterwards. Three: Failing to RSVP. Basic good manners dictate that when invited you must respond to an RSVP. Four: Dodging big stuff. Artful dodging does not mean cheating on taxes, exams, or your partner. Dodging should not be an act of wickedness or unlawfulness. Five: Breaking a promise (or honoring your obligations). Six: Accusing someone of dodging you. It takes one to know one. As Martinet said, “There are certain things in society about which one is never supposed to speak. Dodging is one of these.” Seven: Confessing to the dodgee you have dodged him. So, why on earth would one have a need for Artful Dodging? Because if you lack the ability to dish out potentially painful truths, express your real opinion on an issue, disagree with a decision or just say no, Artful Dodging might just help you.
DJ: Ultimately, a lot of the pain stems from the ego. It desires to have only what it wants and how it wants it. We just have to keep in mind that life is not about us all the time. Besides, life has its own challenges. The least that we can do is to be a little bit more nice to each other, to be still for us to better discern and make the right choices. Buckminster Fuller once said, the minute we choose to do what we really need to do, then we’re already living a life. Be clear. Live with intent.
