Sunday, July 13, 2008 Mercado: "Don't step on the ducks" By Juan L. Mercado Sidebar
“THREE women asked St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates for entry, but got a surprise condition,” begins the story emailed by a friend. “Don’t step on the ducks.”
“What have we got to lose?” the three agreed. So, they signed the consent form—and the gates opened. The place was more than they expected. “Eye has not seen nor ear heard the joys that the Lord prepares for those who love Him.”
There were also ducks all over. A week later, one lady got careless and trampled on a duck. In a split second, St. Peter appeared. Without a word, he handcuffed the erring lady to the ugliest man they’d ever seen, and left.
Three days later, the second lady squashed a duck. In a split second, the same drill happened. Only this time, the man, on the other end of the handcuff, was uglier.
The third woman became very careful. Months passed without incident. Suddenly, St. Peter showed up and handcuffed her—but to a strikingly handsome man.
“Was this a reward?” she cooed. “I don’t know about you lady,” the man replied. “But I stepped on a duck.”
In reaction to this story, a student asked who can stay in heaven. “Ask the blind rabbit” came the reply from my friend who spun another yam.
“One morning, a sightless bunny hopped down the trail—and tripped over a large snake. He landed right on the snake’s twitching nose.”
“Sorry. Please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you. But I`m blind and can’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you. But I`m blind too. And I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the rabbit. “I`ve been blind since birth. So, I`ve never seen myself. Please examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the rabbit all over and said: “You`re soft, cuddly, and have long silky ears. You have a fluffy tail and a twitchy nose. You must be a rabbit!”
“I can’t thank you enough,” the rabbit replied. “But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”
The snake replied that he didn’t know either. So, the bunny agreed to examine him. And when the bunny finished, the snake asked: “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”
The bunny replied: “You`re cold, you`re slippery, and you haven’t get any balls. You must be a politician.”
But even politicians can’t beat health insurance companies, as the following conversation between a doctor and lady of the house shows:
The phone rings. And the lady answers, “Hello,” “Mrs. Rodriguez, please,” “Speaking.”
“Mrs. Rodriguez, this is Doctor Sanchez at Modern Diagnostic Laboratory. Your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to us yesterday. But a biopsy from another Mr. Rodriguez arrived at the same time, Now, we are uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Rodriguez asks nervously. “One of the specimen tested positive for Alzheimer’s. And the other tested positive for Aids. We can’t tell which is your husband’s.”
“That’s dreadful. Can’t you do the test again?” Mrs. Rodriguez asked. “We can. But your health insurance company will only pay for these expensive tests one time,” came the reply.
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” Mrs. Rodriguez asked after a long silence. “The people at Laboratory recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds the way home, don’t sleep with him.”
And to cap this light Sunday feature, read about Tonio, four. He lived next door to an elderly gentleman who recently lost his wife.
On seeing the neighbor cry, Tonio climbed on to his lap and sat there. “What did you say?” his mother asked later. “Nothing,” the little boy said. “I just helped him cry.”
