Sunday, August 10, 2008 Lim: Be there By Melanie T. Lim Wide Awake
YOU are there. And yet you are not.
It is not just physical abandonment by a parent that scars a child, emotional abandonment causes lifelong damage as well.
Many parents fail to understand that simply because you are there does not mean you are. Mere physical presence is not enough and cannot make up for parents’ emotional absence in their children’s lives.
Children arrive into this world helpless—--their fate lying completely in the hands of their caregivers. Some children are more fortunate than others. They are born with parents who understand what parenting is about.
There is indifference. And there is ignorance. While there are parents who display an astonishing amount of apathy towards their children, there are parents who err because they are unaware that they are not functioning as parents.
Adults who display maturity in their personal affairs are likely to display the same sense of maturity as parents. Those who display childish, selfish and immature behavior in their personal lives are likely to display the same bratty behavior as parents.
The world today is so obsessed with the pursuit of personal happiness that self-sacrifice is almost non-existent.
If adultery and infidelity are rife today, it is not because more people are unhappy in their marriages today than 50 years ago but because 50 years ago, when people were unhappy with their relationships, they didn’t jump to seek solace in the arms of the first John or Jane they laid eyes on.
You’re not happy? Well you’re not alone.
A lot of people are unhappy too—just like you. But some people choose to put the needs of their children first. They’re lonely too—just like you. But they remind themselves about the ruinous ramifications of immediate gratification and decide to sit on their needs and desires for the moment. This is what maturity is about.
Everyone is entitled to be happy—-yes. But the pursuit of happiness does not give us license to hurt our children.
Separation is honest. Infidelity is not. It’s the infidels among us that I feel sorry for. But I feel sorrier for their children whose lives are forever ruined by the thoughtless actions of their parents. You think they don’t know? I hope so.
When confronted with the reality that our child is in the throes of depression, we react defensively. We did nothing wrong. And perhaps that is what we DO believe. But what we believe is not necessarily true.
Parenthood is a gift but with it comes the burden of parenting. Parenthood can be a one-night affair but parenting is a lifelong commitment.
Faced with a corpse, we are confused. What did I do wrong? We think of all the times we were there for our children. But the reality is that our children think of all the times we were NOT there for them. Children judge their parents harshly—-yes. But that is the price we must pay for the gift of parenthood.
