Sunday, September 07, 2008 Moises and Mendez-Palmares: Hot to cold By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares singles talk
Michelle: They’ve been dating for six or more months, share the same interests and feel very at ease with one another. They’ve discussed future plans and have even spent some of the holidays together.
The relationship seemed right on track and just right in general. Then, without warning, he says he “needs some time to think and figure things out.” He stops calling and rarely returns her calls. When he does, they’re often met with silence on the other end of the line. When she asks “what happened,” she gets several excuses including how busy he is and/or how much stress he’s in right now. What can you say on her being confused and stunned over the sudden change in her boyfriend’s behavior?
DJ: Oh well, she’s got to move on. My compassion might appear to be sterile but I’m just encouraging her to confront her real, in-your-face situation. She can talk to him. If this isn’t possible, then I suggest that she take a time off, be still and get more real with her assessment of their situation.
She might even have to seek a second opinion from a person who knows her. Then she can make a decision on whether to stay or leave. In these confusing times, her spiritual strength is what will save her from seeking the easy answer to a difficult question. Easier said than done. But I just wish she could make the most of her time on things that can work out rather than on things that can’t and will not work. We live in a world where we have no choice but to make a choice.
M: What if the relationship wasn’t what she thought it was? What if there were signs she chose to ignore or just didn’t see? Sometimes there’s no closure because the couple is never able or willing to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.
The person who has been dumped is left with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger. How can she know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of another heartbreaking experience? By examining her failed relationship to gain insight and understanding about what wasn’t right between the two of them.
DJ: I believe we always have inkling that a relationship can’t work right from the start. We just sometimes think true love conquers all. The problem is, is it really true love? It’s cool to believe that life involves sacrifice for what she thinks is the greater good. It’s remarkable to be able to find happiness in her own sorrow. Touchy. Feely. Melodramatic. But her life is not directed by Bb Joyce Bernal, a film director. And she isn’t KC. She’s Richard.
Kidding aside, she can blame the guy for being such a bad boy. She can visualize a lightning bolt or an aberrant burst of electromagnetic waves striking him down on the spot! But I hope the time will come that she just really has to take hold of her life and the choices that she made. She chose to be with a bad boy. Is she still willing and able to put up with him? Because I’m pretty sure there are people in her life who truly love her for who she is. And it’s wiser that she spends more of her time with them.
M: Relationships have stages and couples must pass through these together in order to get to the level of shared commitment. They say “you can’t hurry love.” As with life, it has stages that have to develop over a period of time. You can’t reach the peak until you climb the mountain.
Sometimes we’re just too in a hurry that we stumble and fall. Instead of staying put to check on our injuries and to heal, we get back up and rush to another relationship and end up committing the same mistakes. Evaluate a failed relationship and learn from it. Experience is the best teacher, they say. But evaluation can make one better.
DJ: Oh yeah. I believe in what people say that life circumstances account for only 10 percent of happiness. The other 90 percent depends on what one do to make one’s self happy. This is true in life and in love. Let’s make the most of them — hot or cold.
Some people may think that the world belongs to those who are lucky. I say it belongs to the ba-yee, too. (To non-Cebuanos out there, lucky sounds like laki or man and ba-yee is bayi or woman.) Seriously, life belongs to those who choose to live it consciously. We just have to seize each day and make it extraordinary.
