Sunday, November 09, 2008 Women's World: ‘My daughter comes home late’ By Dr. Dana Ruiz-Sesante and Cindy Ruiz-Garaña, R.N. Women's World
Dear Cindy,
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s in her senior year in high school. I noticed that she’s been coming home late at night. When I asked her about this, she told me that she and her classmates are doing group study.
I’ve tried to remember what it’s like to be at that age and tried to empathize with her and give her some freedom. But group studying as I remember is not done every night. I also noticed that she’s been going out with the wrong set of friends. She acts as if she doesn’t want to be with her family anymore. She shows no appreciation for her family although she’s been given all the love and support possible.
I’m afraid if I come down hard on her and asking what she’s really been doing late out at night she’ll start lying to me.
Aileen
Dear Aileen,
Your job as a parent is to prepare her for life and to protect her from the dangers the world presents, until she’s able to make decisions for herself. At 16, her brain isn’t finished growing, her reasoning and her ability to predict the consequences of her actions aren’t fully developed.
Your daughter needs to know that you’re ready, willing, and able to do whatever it takes to keep her from engaging in pre-marital sex, drinking or even drugs. If she tries to fight you on that, you need to go “parent commando” and deal with it 24 hours a day, seven days a week until you’ve established that you won’t relent.
Convince her that you love her and you want her to respect and love you back. But that’s only secondary to your job as a parent, which is to get her through those years without hurting herself. Also, tell her that you want her to have fun, freedom, and the opportunity to find herself. You have to set boundaries and erect tall fences to contain her until she proves she won’t violate those privileges.
I also suggest helping her find some passion in life, which may diminish her inclination to behave recklessly.
