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Friday, August 08, 2003
English, Part Two
By Rene Lizada
OKAY. It's time for a second serving of those wonderful English sentences that have somehow been chopped to pieces and murdered. And our first comes from:
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. Now if you can interpret that correctly I will give you a prize. I like the " boots of ascension" phrase. It sounds so epic.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. - I guess this entry is for Fear Factor.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer's suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. I mean really, would you want your suits to be made here? And in strict rotation pa!
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. I thought slavery was illegal already. And they were thrown in bulk? Is that a new cost saving device?
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. I love this one. People of different sex for instance men and women?
It is just like that joke, I would like to thank my parents especially my mother and father. And for what purpose? I guess when you are with the opposite sex and in a tent pa, there is no other purpose than...
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists -- I wonder what the other congregations have to say about this. I mean, is this good or bad?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. Hahahahahahaha. Wag na lang. I really had fun with this one. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. I guess they really need to wear the coats to hide the bones.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. So? Can I enter a woman or not? This smacks of racial discrimination! Unfair!
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. So c'mon, enjoy the water!
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. - Nice play of words though!
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself. - Condition of war?
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. - Here speeching American. Oh I am so gladness that English is spokening here. It gives me such a sigh of reliefness that English is now a universality speech.
Here's more: I won't comment anymore. Just laugh your head off.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
You had enough? Wait for the next one. It is coming soon! Have a great day!
(August 8, 2003 issue)
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