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Friday, August 08, 2003
Lee: Porkwood mutiny
By Kelvin King Lee
AT 0400 hours, while you were all asleep we, the MgaGwapo group, have taken over the Porkwood Building. We realize it is an important building as all kinds of Pork (i.e. Pork chop, Pork Barrel, Pork Chop Duo, Pork loin, lechon, sisig, chicharon, etc.) are sent and distributed through this building to the entire country.
That is why we chose to take this building and not Oakwood. Besides, there's too much security there, and if we took over the Oakwood, well, we don't want to be copycats now do we?
Here is our message to the government. Don't send any government troops after us or else we'll blow up the entire area! Remember those explosions you saw in the movie Bad Boys II? Well, imagine that in our country. We will blow everyone and everything up sky high if you come after us! We trip wired the entire area so don't even think of trying to come near us. Not unless you want to get bombarded with flying lechon and sisig mines.
We've got at least 30 soldiers and 300 officers here at Porkwood who make up the MgaGwapo group and unlike our predecessors we won't give up without a fight. Don't even think of talking to us because we are irrational and have had way too many bad hair days in the military. All that shaving of heads and push-ups have pushed us over the brink.
To the citizens of the country, do not despair. This is not a coup attempt; I repeat this is not a coup attempt. This is simply a way for us to express our opinions in a forum that will totally disrupt the country, weaken the peso, destabilize the economy and annoy our leaders. So don't worry, it won't be a big deal and we promise not to interrupt any episodes of Meteor Garden II.
To the government, here are our demands:
1.) Make Dina Bonnevie the president of the Philippines. It's about time somebody pretty took over the reins of government. Anybody who is in her forties and is able to look that good should definitely be in charge of the country. And get rid of the Senate. Let the Sex Bomb girls take over. This way the population of the Philippines will be really entertained when we watch Senate proceedings.
2.) Give us some bullets. We may not have enough bullets for this mutiny of ours so if the government could provide us with a couple thousand rounds it would be greatly appreciated. Oh and throw in some grenades and grenade launchers too, I hear the TV news channels know where to get some cheap.
3.) At around noon please send 500 Jollibee hamburgers into the Porkwood for our lunch. Please be sure to have Aga Muhlach deliver it to us. It would also be nice if we could get his autograph as well.
4.) No negotiators - we refuse to negotiate! The only way we will do so is if you bring along an entourage that consists of the following celebrated negotiators: Maui Taylor, Diana Zubiri and Aubrey Miles.
5.) 330 first-class tickets to Paris, France. We are patriots. We love this country. So we will leave this country the first chance we get. Besides, we hear France has got some very nice ladies. If First class is out of the question we can always go business class. We need the extra baggage allowance for our guns.
These demands are non-negotiable except for the first three, which are sort of negotiable, and the last two, which are definitely negotiable. Like I said, all these demands are non-negotiable so there.
We hope you have a nice day.
Signed,
Lieutenant Very Senior But Not That Senior But Senior Enough Grade Antonio "The Brilliant, Piquant and Significant " Milliones.
PS- if anyone can throw in an extra copy of the recent July issue of FHM's 100 sexiest women, it would make us very happy too. Thanks!
*****
Negotiator's report: at 1700 hours the Porkwood mutiny threat has been neutralized. All 30 enlisted men and 300 officers who make up the MgaGwapo group were found inside the Porkwood hotel unconscious from overeating of pork.
Some of the MgaGwapo soldiers have succumbed to heart attacks. In this regard we would like to apologize to the people on the coming pork shortage and the probable increase of pork prices. We would also like to apologize to Congress for the unknown status of their Pork Barrels. As of this writing, we are still investigating what happened to the Pork Barrels.
If there is a need to reach this negotiator at a future time, please be aware of his change of address from Davao city to Forbes Park, Metro Manila. Just look for the biggest and newest mansion.
On a final note, please be advised that there are reports of a larger faction still at large that is allied with the MgaGwapo group, known as the MgaPangit group. Please also be advised of a splinter group that is sort of connected to the MgaGwapo group that calls itself the PogiLang group.
Let the record show that the so-called SobrangGwapo group is NOT connected to the original MgaGwapo group, even if they really want to be mistahs with the MgaGwapo, SobrangGwapo is just, well... not Gwapo enough.
(Please note: This is a spoof and not to be taken very seriously. Email the writer at babbleon@atenista.net)
(August 8, 2003 issue)
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