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Friday, September 05, 2003
Lee: Ultraviolated
By Kelvin King Lee
ULTRAVIOLATED. That's how I feel after a doctor's appointment. After undergoing a full physical examination to find out whether I was in good health or not, that's how I feel. After being prodded, poked and stabbed with a needle, that's how I feel.
After having my blood sucked out, my urine sample taken, and realizing what "stool sample" means in a medical context, that's how I feel. After taking off my shirt and pants and underwear, that's how I feel. After having my genitalia checked and fondled like slabs of meat, that's how I feel.
Ultraviolated.
I still don't understand the need for doctors to be so cold and aloof in their duties. Granted not all of them are like that, I am sure. Yet my recent experience during a required medical examination - where I went through a whole gamut of tests and procedures has me ready to start throwing "stool samples" at doctors.
I mean, I did not enjoy having to STRIP so that I could have my naked body checked for anomalies. What kind of anomalies do you expect to find on me anyway? A third eye? A second mouth? An extra butt?
And then there is the blood sample. Why do they always say: "This won't hurt?" How do they know it won't hurt? Have you ever seen any of your doctors take blood samples from their own bodies? Besides, it doesn't help that I have an exceptionally low tolerance of pain. Prick me with a toothpick and I would probably faint. After first screaming my head off.
The worst is when the doctors start putting on rubber gloves. And I swear, I always see traces of a sinister smile on their lips when they do that. For those who have yet to experience the joys of any body exam that requires rubber gloves on your doctors, congratulations. Here's a tip: Once you see your doctor putting them on, make a break for it. It's your only hope.
Now don't get me wrong. I like doctors. I especially like how they are able to cure us normal people of diseases and problems we couldn't even handle without them. In fact, I wouldn't even be here without a doctor. I was born upside down, you see. Instead of coming out head first during birth like any normal baby, I was too chicken to do that. I came out feet first, to perhaps check if all was well. I got stuck though and the doctors had to get me out through a cesarean operation. So you see, I have doctors to thank for being able to get out of my mother's womb.
I am sure it would help patients a lot if doctors were to be warmer during these complete examinations. Be more pleasant and sympathetic. And smile a lot too. It sure would make a situation where the patient is buck-naked a little more bearable.
So here's my two cents worth on how doctors should handle complete medical examinations: Lighten Up. Please. I mean, we patients are naked already. We've got nothing else to hide.
***
On a personal note: This is the first time in a very long time that my entire immediate family, that is, my mother and my two siblings and I are living together again under one roof. That hasn't happened ever since I left for Beijing around two years back and my sister left Davao to study in Manila.
Getting everyone together in one household (as well as getting everyone to FIT in that one household) has been a logistical nightmare for my mother I think. And the turf wars over areas in the house threaten to ignite between my siblings and I. Pillow fights have broken out over TV and food. We were always quite territorial.
It honestly feels a little odd doing things this way again, as though I had traveled back in time to when things were simpler for my family. However, it does feel nice being together. It feels good being a family again. I only wish we could continue to do this for a long time to come. (Email the writer at babbleon@atenista.net)
(September 5, 2003 issue)
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