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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
The greatest gifts
By Rene Lizada
Papa's Table
THE theme for our last week's Toastmasters' meeting was "Forgiveness." During the Table Topics, (which is like impromptu speaking) we had lot of interesting answers to equally interesting questions. Trust Nona Pimentel to ask questions like, can you forgive someone who does not deserve to be forgiven or will you forgive someone even if he or she does not ask forgiveness. When it was my turn to be asked, she came up with this question. In this season is there someone you would like to forgive?
There are questions that can take time for one to answer but there are also questions that need no prolonged thinking. This was the latter. It was easy for me to answer that. If there were a person I would forgive this season it would have to be me. I have to forgive myself. For some reason, I have set my standards high. There are so many things that I uphold and try very hard to attain them. I fail miserably a lot of times though!
About a year ago, in one of my writing seminars, someone asked me if I do what I write. I kept a stoic face but what I really to do was smile. People have this misconception about writing. They think that whatever I write, I do. Or worse, that whatever I write, I am. If that were the case, then I would be perfect.
I do not write to give answers. I write because I need to ask questions. I do not write to tell you what I am, I write to tell you what I want to be. Writing is therapy for me. I have never claimed that I do what I write. I try, but I also fail.
Sometimes, when I review all my articles, (well, the "serious" ones) I am amazed at how far I have to go. I set standards for myself. And my standards range from music to my writing to relationships to movies. And when I put the bar, I unconsciously become hard on myself. And when I fail, I blame myself, castigate myself. And just make my life miserable by thinking and doing things, which are difficult to attain. I get shoulder pains, bum stomachs and raging thoughts. Stupid noh? See, that is another example. Labeling myself.
But I guess I am not alone. It is ironic how we are so gentle with others when we are so mean with ourselves. It may be difficult to forgive others but to forgive ourselves is an entirely different thing. It is ironic that we can be so understanding and gentle with others and their mistakes but when it comes to our mistakes and ourselves, we can be so cruel and unforgiving.
A lot of us simply cannot forgive ourselves. Or refuse to. We carry our mistakes like they were lost treasure. We constantly berate ourselves with mistakes made ten years ago. We are so hard on ourselves and yet we are gentle with others. We forgive others with more compassion than we do ourselves. We tolerate the faults of others, worse we even shrug them off and say, do not worry so much about that. I understand. Can we say that to ourselves? Have we said those things to ourselves? Will we be able to be compassionate and understanding?
Maybe in this season, we ought to give ourselves a break. Maybe we should give ourselves a gift. The gift, which we can only give, the gift of forgiveness for all the things that we did to ourselves. When we really think about it, we deserve to be treated the way we treat others. With compassion, understanding and love. And yes, forgiveness.
We need to be gentle with ourselves. We need to understand that whatever which that destroys us we must avoid. Addictions of all kinds. Overwork, certain people, obsessions. The almost sadistic tendency to harbor hatred. Unforgiveness. Being judgmental. Violence. We need to avoid those.
We need to protect ourselves. We need to be gentle with ourselves.
Our true selves are not violent or proud. Our true selves are kind and gentle. We are after made in the image of God. And our highest goal is to be like God. To be like The Christ. I do not believe that my God is violent and bitter. I do not believe that my God sits and counts all my sins. I do not believe that my God wants to punish me. It is not in His nature to condemn or sentence me to eternal condemnation. He wishes the best for me.
My God is someone who cares, who is gentle and kind and forgiving. I believe my God stares at me in disbelief every time I sell my self-short. Every time I am hard on myself God wants to tell me, you are wrong, you can do better than what you have done. I think that God watches me through all my sorrow and my suffering. He watches and hopes that I can see through it all. And He rejoices when I get it, He claps His hands and says, there you did it. You finally understand.
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