Friday, June 23, 2006
So: Friday night rituals
By Jocy So
Unraveling
A CASUAL conversation about a colleague's husband flying out of Davao for his work abroad led to a talk about fathers. It's nearly a week since Father's Day and it's just now that I am starting to miss again what it meant to have a father in my life, and as I look at the faces of my students, I know I am not the only one.
My students hide secrets about their lives, tales of fathers they've never seen, of fathers they rarely see, of fathers who left them behind, of fathers too absorbed in something else other than their families. My story is of a father who died before I could ask him about boys, college, and work.
My colleague told us that her seven-year-old daughter cried when she woke up for school and couldn't find her father in the house. She told her that he had gone to the airport early but that he'd be back by December. He had had this routine for years now, a month of vacation in the Philippines with his family before leaving again to work for the rest of the year. You would think the daughter would be used to it by now. But she's not. She's not used to the absence. Each year, she is just more aware of how much nicer it is to have him around, how much nicer to celebrate Father's Day with her dad, to wake up each day with the knowledge that her father is just there.
Little family rituals. Whether it's going to the mall every Sunday or celebrating Father's Day, each family has their own habit that becomes over time the very stuff great memories and bonds are made of. Friday night used to be our family's ritual back when I was in elementary. Not only did it represent the beginning of the weekend, but it also meant TV night.
My parents would pick us up from Davao Christian High School and drive directly to Victoria Plaza where we would fill one cart with any snack our heart so desired. My sister Joy would pile on branded choices like Piatos and Mentos. My nationalistic and natural food fan brother Joffer would get his usual sampaloc candies and dried mangoes. The youngest Joshua would choose whatever caught his fancy for that week and I'd pick my usual bag of Frutus and Snacku. Not very healthy snacks that caused cavities to drill holes into our teeth, but we loved our grocery runs.
When we arrived home, we would quickly shower and get into our pajamas just in time to watch the cartoons come on. Every Friday, ABS CBN would have a slew of shows that young people at that time watched as religiously as they watch telenovelas today. Ghostbusters, X-Men, Ewoks, Dougie Howser MD, Power Rangers, Beverly Hills 90210. We even watched more grown-up TV shows like Murphy Brown and Mad About You. Friday nights were the only nights we could eat anything we wanted, watch as much TV as we could, and stay up late to our heart's content.
We loved those nights so much, even after we were told to go to bed, my siblings and I would relive the episodes we had seen. We even had a choreographed dance for the Ghostbusters theme. X-Men was another favorite. Joffer was Wolverine, I was Storm, Joy Jean Grey, and Joshua a tiny Gambit or Cyclops. My father would be Professor X, with more hair and a bigger tummy. Yes, we reenacted fight scenes complete with sound effects. Please don't ask me how old I was at that time.
Some nights when we're too tired to play X-Men or do our funky Ghostbusters dance, we'd just lie in bed with our parents, eat candy, and put our heads on our parents? Supine bodies. The crook of my father's arm, my mother's shoulder, my father's tummy. Just lying there. Just so.
I was talking to one of my students about her family once. I asked her why she considered her parents her heroes and she answered that it's because they always spent time with them. It's not just quality, she said. What is quality time anyway? Expensive vacations? A heart to heart talk? Sure, they're important. But so is quantity. She said she's close to her parents because of the many little things they do. Eating out. Watching movies. Going to church. Watching TV. Driving to school together. Little ordinary things that to an adult might not seem like quality time but for their children those times were precious.
When we're least aware, time slips away from our grasps and before we know it we don't have opportunities to just luxuriate in the moment with those we love. We don't have Friday night rituals anymore in our families. We've grown and have our own responsibilities to attend to. My sister now works in Manila. My youngest brother is in college. We now care about not eating too much junk food. And my father is gone. But, even if I miss papa after all these years, I thank God he and my mother gave us many moments of magic, tenderness, and happiness when he was alive.
Father's Day now seems like a long time ago. But I hope everyday, fathers realize just how important they are in their child's life, how important it is that they show up and be there for their child, how important their love, support, and little magic moments are to their child.
Jocy L. So teaches at Davao Christian High School
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