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Sunday, August 13, 2006
Breaking away
By Gladys Lalaine G. Marcial
My Turn
ONE is never too young to get into business, to follow his passion, be burdened with responsibilities and experience the world of contempt. Not all good things happen to someone who has given life his best shot.
Up to this time, I still keep thinking about what really made me get to where I am. Was it my parent's break-up? Was it my passion for shopping? Was it the time I won at the casino? Or was it the time when I looked into my closet and saw that I have gobbled up too much things to compensate for the lack of emotional security. I suppose it was all the things I just mentioned, a pinch of each event was a factor that led me to where and who I am now.
I am the eldest of five, an unica hija and as my grandmother would say, "Among all our grandchildren, you were born with a golden spoon." I felt I indeed was, but I don't think I grew up spoiled. I was raised with all the comforts of life. I was sent to the most expensive and best schools to get the best education, I was given more than what I deserved but I never asked for more than what I needed for the reason that I was scared that time would come when I would have to repay them for the things that they have given me.
I grew up with my grandparents, which explains why it's mostly my grandmother who is always mentioned in my story. I saw her through all her pains and her thankless effort to make everyone's life in the family normal and happy. There were many moments I saw myself in her and thought to myself that I didn't want to live a life like hers. My friends would call her groovy lola because at the age of sixty plus you'd still see her driving her 4x4 around town. She gives the impression of being content and happy with her life but what a lot of people don't know is that behind that groovy lola pretense, is a forlorn person just wanting the best for her family, a person dreaming to see her children fix their lives before she leaves earth, and for her husband to have a change of heart.
I share the same sentiments with my grandmother. I have always wanted the same things for the family. I have always wished for peace of mind, happiness, contentment, and have someone to come home to at the end of the day who I can talk to and share a laugh, or a thought or two. But sad to say, that is not how a normal day would end at their house. A normal day at my grandparent's house would start and end with hurtful words from my grandfather wherein he would blame my lola that her love for her children is what's gearing them to abuse their kindness. That whatever my uncles and aunts have become is because of my granny's being a kunsintidora.
I don't blame her for being so kind to her children. She was just giving her children the extra love they needed which my grandfather cannot provide. And that was the scene I would see two years ago until one day, the normal day would begin and end with my grandfather telling me that I am the menace in the business, that I am overconfident with myself, that the education I earned is nothing compared to all his experiences combined, that I don't understand a single thin about what g I am doing at the office, that I am going to end up a failure just like my parents.
I tried to portray the role he wanted me to play. I went on with his wishes (or games shall I say?) I did things his way, obeying every order he gave me and taking all the blame for every plan of his that failed. Whenever his ideas didn't work out, it was always my fault. I never passed his criteria. But it was my role to take the blame. He's the boss until one day I realized that I had to stop being so selfless. That as much as I would want to help them run the business and return the favor, I had to detach myself from them so that I could start fixing myself. From functional, I felt dysfunctional. There was not a day that I wanted to die for feeling so worthless, for feeling unappreciated. And so I had to make the biggest decision of my life after a friend asked me, "Ano ba talaga gusto mo? Maging tagapagmana ka pero miserable ka hanggang sa huling moments ng lolo mo or maghanap ka ng ibang trabaho at least malayo ka sa kanila at maayos mo ang sarili mo?"
I decided to do the latter.
I did the latter not because I was an ungrateful granddaughter but because I wanted to learn to detach and make it on my own.
For Bisaya stories from Davao. Click here. (August 13, 2006 issue)
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