Friday, October 06, 2006 An extremely grateful heart By Rene Lizada Papa's Table
A FEW weeks ago, I was at the Bistro Rosario of all places. I was sitting there having a soup-and-sandwich lunch. I was enjoying the quiet meal when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I began thinking of all the problems that I was facing. But instead of feeling down and depressed I was actually smiling. Then after that, my tears started to fall. And the waiters there must have sensed because they looked at me and perhaps they were wondering what their former boss was doing crying at Bistro Rosario. I was crying because I was happy. I was happy because in spite of my problems, I was able to smile and laugh at all my troubles.
I texted a very good friend of mine from the BLD (Bukas Loob sa Diyos) community and I told him that I was actually so overwhelmed with my problems but instead of worrying and being down I was actually happy, inspite of all that faced me. This did not make sense at all, I told him. But he replied that if you are with God, everything makes sense. Now I will not even go there and say that I am with God because God knows how distant I sometimes am with Him. But I knew that on that particular day, God gave me something. I have no idea what it was He gave I only know it felts good.
Sometimes, when my wife starts to worry, I just tell her God will take care of us Chona. God will not abandon or desert us. I know sometimes my wife thinks of me as loony but you see I have this faith in God. And guess what? He has not deserted or abandoned me. God shows me things in so many ways, in so many people. But that did not stop me from getting mad at my God.
A few days after that drama at Bistro, I was again worried. Just shows you how weak my faith sometimes is. I was driving and suddenly the full weight of things fell on my shoulders and perhaps because of my worries that turned to fears I simply gave in. It was one of those rare times when I was questioning my God. I even dared Him. I got mad at Him. I complained, whined, berated and just made a complete fool of myself. And after my outburst, I felt relieved that I had gotten it off my chest. But deep inside there was this feeling of shame. A hint of shame that I tried to suppress.
Two hours after my outburst, I got a text message. The text said that the thing that I was waiting for to happen, just came to be. The seed of shame started to sprout. In my outburst I dared God to show me at least something substantial. I asked, no demanded actually that if He were listening to me He would do something for me. I asked for something so specific that I knew that if it were given to me I would know that He had heard. That if it were given I would have no choice but to accept that it was God's hand at work. An hour after, I got it. What I asked, He gave me. And the seed of shame sprouted into a full-grown tree. And I was in total shame. Sometimes when I think o f that, I still am.
Yet those two incidents taught me that God will never abandon us, never desert us. He will just wait and see. He is merely testing us. And I thank God for my challenges and believe me there have been so many this year. The start of the year was the beginning of my tests. But I know that God will see me through. He has done so many times. And I am a lot better now than I was six months ago. But it has not been easy.
When God puts me in the darkness, He lights a candle of hope for me. And when I see the light in the darkness I see those who care for me, who love me and those who will stand by me. I see the light of His love in the darkness.
When God chastises us, be grateful. God tests all of us but only the humble and the humbled see the truth. If disappointments come our way let us smile through the pain. When challenges confront us, let us with strong hearts stand up to the challenge. Only the strong and only the brave can wither and withstand the waywardness of things. Not all are given the honor of suffering. David, Moses, Joseph, Abraham and Jesus. Rejoice those who suffer. Rejoice those who bleed and agonize. The Lord is with you.
And it takes one word, one act to see through all the pain Gratitude. Be thankful. What are you thankful for?
