Friday, January 05, 2007 At the Beginning By Rene Lizada
"And Mary kept all these things reflecting on them in her heart." Luke 2:19
WHAT was Mary thinking when she had heard that her son was actually the Son of God? What do you think were her thoughts when the shepherds came to visit? How do you think she felt when the Magi paid homage to her Son?
What did she actually think and feel knowing that the son that she just had was in reality the Savior of the world. There must have been a hundred, perhaps even a thousand or more thoughts as she reflected on these things.
What will happen to him? What will happen to me? What will be the events that will bring fulfillment? Will I cry? Will I celebrate? What joys shall I have as I take this journey? What heartaches shall I undergo with this task? What will I be like as a mother? What will Joseph do?
How will we live? What kind of person will this God be? And yet all these things plus a hundred more thoughts, she kept to herself, Mary did. Scripture says she just reflected over them in her heart. She kept silent and just accepted them.
I love the December 31 mass. It gives me time to think about the past year. I get to reflect upon the events that have led me to the moment of reflection, to the December 31 moment.
I think of the people who have touched my life the past year. I think of Chona, Miguel, Raphael and Gabriel. I think of the weaving of our lives and the celebration of it. I reflect on the moments where we have seen the true worth of our selves, as individuals, as persons and as a family.
I think of the joys and smiles of simple graces and the thankfulness of graces and gifts. I smile at the wonder of our lives brought together by the wonder of love.
I think of people who have crossed my path the past year. I think of friends who know what true friendship is all about. I think of events that made me cringe, that made me doubt, that made me cry. I think of hopelessness and despair of the violence of our hearts and then I think of hope and peace and serenity of acceptance.
I think of solitary walks and meditations in quiet chapels. I think of curses and blessings. I think of being lost and I thank being found. I listen to old songs that remind me of who I was and who I am.
I listen to new songs that affirm my sad heart, urging me on, prodding me to the light of my possibilities. I ask for the grace of forgiveness and the humility to forgive. I pray for the light in the darkness of my soul and I am thankful for the darkness for it is in that where I may finally see the truth.
I cry over missed opportunities and cry even more for possibilities that came my way. And yet I also raise my hands in jubilation for seeing the truth. I thank answered prayers and wait for those unanswered. I wait. I sing. I sing and wait.
When I think of the past year I think on the lessons handed to me. Did I learn from them? Did I see the lessons behind the events and the circumstances given to me? Did I see the moments of learning and grace that were handed to me? Did I learn something? Anything?
Or was I too proud, too blind, too weak? Did I see God or did I just see the misery of my life? Was my suffering a gift or a burden? Could I see that the burden was actually a blessing? Or am I too skeptical, too wounded to see the truth behind my pain.
I reflect on a hundred and a thousand images. I ask myself if there was one image that would summarize the year that was, what would it be? Would it be a happy picture or a painful one? Would the image be that of celebration or despair? What would be that image be?
Who would be there? I reflect on a myriad of sounds. Was my song last year a song of gratitude and love? Or was it a song of loneliness? Did I find myself last year? Did I lose myself? Am I the same person or have I changed? And if so, was it for better or worse? In short, did I learn anything? Better still, will I learn anything?
When I reflected on Scripture today I thought about the circumstances and the events that led me to this moment. And if you have followed my articles you would know that this has not been an easy one.
But I know that God has a plan for me, He allowed these things for a purpose. I have never claimed that I understood them. I do not know the purpose I only know there is a purpose. We do not need to understand to have faith. To have faith means to believe even if we do not see the purpose or understand. The precondition of faith is not understanding. It is its gift. Because when you believe you will eventually understand.
Mary's faith was strong, so powerful that she did not have to talk about it. She did not reason out (like most of us do). She did not question again like most of us. She simply accepted the will of God without question. Of course she had fear and worry, who would not.
But her gift was she accepted in full faith. Not knowing, not understanding. She took God's will and let God be.
Let this be our prayer this year. We do not have to see what lies beyond but with God as our light we shall make it.
Last year I had a lot of doubts and fears. As the year went on I found myself in circumstances I had never experienced and I had my fears and my doubts. But at the end of the year I was still standing. Even better than when the year started. Our Lord will never let us down.
This year let us all make a promise. Think of all that stops you from being what you are. Think of the hurt and the pain in your heart.
Think of your tears and your loneliness and your sorrow. Think of all the negativity in your life, your anxieties and your worries. Your fears and your sickness. Your anger and your unforgiveness.
Think of the pain that you have inflicted on yourself. And the hurt that you have caused. Think of cruelty, tours and that of others. Think of your weakness and that of others.
Think of all those things that have caused violence and hurt and pain. And then discard them. Let them go like the chaff in the wind. We have carried them too long. Our burdens we shall let go. Let us be light once more so way may fly.
Let us start the year right. With faith and with the lightness of newborn light. We are light.
