Friday, March 30, 2007 Waking up By Rene Lizada Papa's Table
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." -- Carl Jung
FOR the past several weeks I have been forcing myself to our prayer room. I literally drag myself to the prayer room and I sit there. And I just sit and sit. And sit. I do not have any hopes of praying but I just sit and stare at the flickering candles while there is music in the background.
And it has not been exactly inspiring. Or revealing. There are days where I just sit with nothing in mind or when there are so many thoughts racing across my head. I do not pretend to pray because I cannot. I try sometimes but I just end up frustrated because I simply cannot pray. I tried several techniques and suggestions for prayer but to no use. So I just finally accepted that I cannot pray but I still force myself to the prayer room. And then it happened.
The last time I went to the prayer room I was a little miffed. Irritated even. Of course when these things happen the last thing you want to do is pray but at the same time if those things happen there is no better time to pray. Even if you cannot. So I went to the prayer room and just sat there. I was not expecting anything because I knew the drill. I knew what was to come. When you are dry, you are dry. No use forcing it. And then it happened.
I was reading a Psalm reflection when the phrase jumped out. "Your purpose Lord will not fail." I stopped at that line and stared at it for a long time. "Your purpose Lord will not fail." It seemed to echo in my head. Several thoughts ran through my mind but the one that stayed was, "Your will be done."
Again I thought about that phrase and the more I thought about it I realized that that phrase could be understood in only one way. In the context of surrender.
We may go through life doing what we want or wish but that would not be really our lives unless it is in accordance with the will of God. A sure sign of not being in tune with God is the utter emptiness and the deep despair of our lives. We may have a lot of money but we can be so empty and desperate. Money is not happiness or contentment or meaning, if it were then why are so many rich people lonely. Pleasure is not happiness.
To be happy and content means that we must surrender it all. But as persons we are by nature hard headed and adamant about a lot of things. The problem is not that we do not know the way to happiness. The problem is we equate happiness with something else. We know the road. We just do not want to travel it. We go our way and we stumble and fall, we get lost and we get weary and we blame God for the choices we have made.
That is the story of our lives. There are no secrets to happiness, the secrets are screaming at us but we refuse to listen. Because the way is too hard, too long, too steep, too tiring and too much. But the irony is at one point in our life we shall be confronted with what we have tried to avoid. And that will only happen when we are in pain and when we have no place to run. When there is no choice but surrender.
The thing is, for us to understand we need to go through much suffering and pain. We will never realize when we are happy and content or when we think we are happy and content. For us to see light, we need to go through the night. Midnight first before dawn. Confusion before Understanding. Pain before Consciousness. As Gibran would say, "pain is the shell that encloses understanding." Calvary before Resurrection.
And surrender happens when we realize that what we intend may not be what God wants. His purpose will not fail, His will is going to happen no matter what we do. That is what surrender is, that is what peace is. Sometimes when I talk with persons who in my point of view are serene and peaceful I am struck with what they say because what they say is always the same. I have surrendered my life to God and He can do what He pleases. I envy people like that because of the serenity that is born of faith that is born of pain.
I picture it as God all around me. He is in front of me paving the way. He is at my back healing my wounds and He is beside me teaching me His ways. That would be perfect peace for me. God in all sides. There are many things that I want in my life and He knows what they are but today I do not ask them anymore.
I simply say, Lord whatever you want. It took me sometime to realize that whatever God wants, will happen. He showed that to me about two years ago and being the foolish person that I was, I completely missed it. But now slowly I slowly see it. But it has been painful but worth it. No matter what then the circumstances we face the purpose of God in our lives will happen. All He asks is to follow His will, to surrender completely.
