Monday, June 11, 2007 Moving By Rene Lizada Papa’s Table
MY WIFE just arrived from Manila. She went to Manila with Miguel to look for a condo unit for him. Miguel was accepted as faculty at the Ateneo de Manila. And since he cannot stay at the dorm he had to look for a condo unit outside the Ateneo campus.
I would have wanted to go with him but Chona is better in doing stuff like buying, haggling, and finding things. And so they went to Manila.
When she came home she told me "na awa siya kay Kuya" because his condo needs some more things. He needs more furniture, a few more appliances and just stuff that would make his life more comfortable.
But more than those things is the reality that our eldest son will have to fend for himself. Unlike the dorm where he had his friends and comforts he will be practically on his own and he will have to face things that were so ordinary when he was still a student.
Things like cooking, laundry, electric bills, budgeting, the daily things that now are not so ordinary for someone like him. Miguel is only 20 years old and yet he is going to teach in one of the best, if not the best university in the entire country. That takes my breath away really. While he was still in vacation here in Davao he was preparing himself for his teaching.
He requested for the book that he was going to use and he sat and studied and studied. He literally pored over the selections that he had to teach and I knew that his heart was in it. Ever since he was a freshman being a teacher was the one thing in his mind. He really wanted to teach. My 20-year-ld eldest son knows what he wants. How many of us do, really?
Of course we wanted him to be close to home but we also knew that he had this dream and the only thing that we could do was support him. He was so focused at the idea of teaching that he was willing to sacrifice all the comforts that he has in Davao for the loneliness and the discomfort of living in Manila. Being parents we can only watch and hope and pray.
But there are "father" moments. I worry about him because he is alone. Sometimes I ask is it too early for us to let him go? How will he survive? What will he eat? Will he know how to cook rice? Is he ready for this? Am I ready for this? When he left for the first time four years ago I cried for a day because I missed him.
Four years after I thought I would have gotten over the "missing" part but every time Migoy leaves there is a space in my heart that is empty. My soul is not complete and yet I know for his soul to be complete he has to do what must be done. To complete his soul I must empty mine. And so I let go. With hope and a heavy heart. And yet at the same I rejoice and celebrate.
As write this I know he is happy as I am sad. I know that at this moment he is where he wants to be. In the company of his former teachers who are now his colleagues. He is at this moment undergoing a seminar to prepare himself for the school year ahead. And I know that he is happy because this what he wants. And I envy him, I celebrate him. I know that he is willing to undergo so much to fulfill what he wants and needs.
When he moved in I texted him and asked how he was doing. It took some time for him to answer because I guess he was busy moving. Then when he texted he said, "pawis ako kasi dami things." And on his first night at the condo I asked him if he was able to sleep and said, "YUP. ?" How do you react to something like that? What am I supposed to feel?
On his first night I prayed a special prayer for him because he is alone with his dreams. Alone with his life. On his first night alone, I missed him terribly. I was worried yet sure. I was lonely but not alone. I was anxious but confident.
I have to let go once more. And I know there will be more of those in the years ahead. He has already told us that he wishes to study abroad for his masters and his doctorate. My wife and I know that he is capable of doing those things because he has proven to us that he is willing to sacrifice so as to attain his goals in life. But as it is right now there is so much to absorb, so much to feel, to take, to understand. To accept.
