Saturday, August 11, 2007 Beyond 'I Do' By Janette Huang-Teves Mom-About-Town
DO YOU know that many marital conflicts and separations occur when babies start coming? Studies have shown that these happen because wives stop being wives to their husbands. They fall into a parent trap.
Suddenly, being a mom to the kids becomes the ultimate priority. On the other hand, husbands are also perceived to be the breadwinners for the entire family. Because of these, the essential roles of husband and wife take a back seat.
Espousing that a harmonious spousal relationship is a vital foundation for effective parenting, the Education for the Upbringing of Children (Educhild) recently conducted a marriage enrichment seminar entitled "Beyond I Do" (BID) in Davao. In the past, BID has been organized in Manila, Cebu, Cagayan de Oro and this month, in Bacolod.
Educhild
Educhild is a non-profit organization formed by parents to help fellow parents in the delicate task of rearing a family. It is a founding member of the International Federation for Family Development (IFFD), a worldwide foundation which promotes family enrichment.
Present in over 30 countries and in 5 continents, Educhild is part of a global effort to remind parents of their roles as primary educators of their children, and to highlight that a happy family life starts with a happy marriage.
Educhild Philippines started in 1976. To date, the foundation has been offering parenting courses in different parts of Manila as well as in provincial areas.
Beyond ‘I Do’
Last July 20-22, 2007, twenty five couples participated in the first-ever "Beyond I Do" seminar in the city.
Held at the Eden Nature Park, the facilitators were three couples with varied experiences who have pursued studies in child and family life, namely: Tiburcio and Evangelina Evalle; Desiderio and Tranquilina Racho; and Manuel and Ma. Socorro Escueta.
Beyond "I Do" has 3 modules. The seminar which is part of a 12-module program has the following objectives:
a) To discover the best way our spouse would like to be loved, and the best ways to nurture day-to-day conjugal living;
b) To gain practical skills to help one communicate our love to our spouse;
c) To experience activities that help bond and strengthen marital relationship;
d) To have another opportunity to please, affirm, and show affection to our spouse; and
e) To continue with the Magic of Marriage.
According to local coordinators, Boyet and Elaine Quinto, "Beyond I Do" is not confrontational and does not directly resolve personal issues. The format encourages the participants to naturally examine themselves in their relationship with their spouse and to come up with realistic resolutions on how they can improve their relationships, given some pointers on how one can best understand his/her spouse.
Marriage enhancers
In the bestselling book, "Helping Our Children Do Well in School" (I featured the top ten strategies regarding this topic in my July 28 issue), author and parenting consultant Ma. Isabel "Maribel" Sison-Dionisio shares that although parental guidance and presence is crucially needed by the children, parents should not neglect their marriage. In fact, she emphasized that it needs regular nurturance.
She suggests the following useful tips in enhancing the marital relationship:
1. As husband and wife, make it a point to go out on a once-a-week date.
Remember the good old courtship days when you can just talk about yourselves? Marriage should not stop you from going on interactive dates and enjoying each other's company. Feel free to discuss your innermost thoughts and feelings; aspirations in life as well as fears and concerns.
2. Make sure to talk to each other for at least thirty minutes at home.
Validate each other's expressions of feelings and opinions. This "couple time" helps build and nurture the friendship in your marriage. Avoid bringing up home management matters and the children as much as possible during this special moment.
3. Spend a weekend or just even overnight away from the kids.
This can mean sending the children to the grandparents or close relatives for the weekend or go on a short trip out of town. I'm sure this is quite a challenge for parents who have grown so attached to their kids (me included!). Some of us don't realize though that it is actually healthy and exciting for children to be away from their parents occasionally.
4. There should be room for marital privacy at home.
A common practice for most Filipino families is for the children to sleep in the parent's bedroom. Most of the time, I observed that this set-up is preferred because aside from promoting bonding time, the family significantly saves on their electricity by sharing one air conditioner. However, as explained by Maribel, sleeping with the kids regularly can prevent parents from being intimate.
Keeping the flame alive
Here are some of Maribel's reminders on how to keep the flame alive in marriage:
1. Look to your spouse, over your children, for comfort.
2. Do not expect your children to be your main source of comfort and care as you grow older. Prepare for the empty nest syndrome.
3. Your children should not be your source of comfort after an argument with your spouse.
4. Your children should not be the only source of your happiness.
5. Confide in your spouse about your dreams and wishes.
