Sunday, August 19, 2007 Gil: Reasons for the absence By Sandy Gil Sunday Dunes
RECENTLY, I was expected to attend an extravagant affair here in Davao City. Of course, I could not blame the organizers for expecting my presence in the said affair since they had been asking, nay, nagging is the more appropriate, if I was going to grace the occasion with my (dis)honorable presence.
I had no intentions of attending whatsoever for reasons that are better left unsaid. But then I figured that if I told them the truth, there would be more questions than answers. And that would consequently entail more explanations, more confusion and more arguments. In short, I smiled my sweetest smile and told a lie: I informed the organizers that I would attend. End of story.
***
Filipinos are known to smile a lot. It irks foreigners on end when they ask us to perform a task, and all we do is keep our silence and smile at them. I once had a boss who, when he was about to be transferred to another alien world, warned his replacement of the fake Filipino smiles. I have found out that there are seven situations that make us smile.
First, we smile when we do not know the answer to a question. Second, when we want to impress the other person, we also smile. Third, we smile when we feel we should not show our irritation with the one talking to us. Fourth, a good way to end an unwanted conversation is to smile before walking away. Fifth, we smile when we have only half-understood what is being said. Sixth, we smile when we do not want to debate. And finally, when we think we know better than the one talking, we keep quiet and smile.
I think Filipinos are such a bright people!
***
And, so, I kept my silence and smiled as everyone went into frenzy and panic for that big, extravagant affair. I think I smiled for all the seven reasons I have just mentioned.
***
The problem was that there was inevitably a post-extravagant affair requirement to explain one's absence. I am a Filipino, and I would like to think I am bright, nay, I am brilliant! After deep reflection, I arrived at three possible reasons for my absence, each one carefully crafted to elicit various reactions I wanted from the nosey inquirers.
***
If I wanted to stop the inquirer dead on his or her track, the reason for my absence was that I had an attack of loose bowel movement (LBM). I mean, who could argue with that? Furthermore, who would really want to go into a long-winded discussion about such condition?
I am sure that you will agree with me that it is not at all a pleasant topic of conversation. At the same time, no one forces the LBM victim to attend some extravagant affair and create an uncontrollable, horrid and repulsive mess in the bathroom, right?
I think the bum stomach was such a great excuse. No one really cared to know what caused it. No one really cared to suggest how to cure it. And with a smile, I got to stop the interrogation immediately.
***
If I wanted to confuse the enemy, I would tell them that I indeed attended the extravagant affair! The truth to tell, I arrived late so I had no choice but to find a seat in the back of the ballroom, even though I was dressed in my Pitoy Moreno gown! How could you have missed me?
In fact, I was seated beside so-and-so (someone who was also absent or the few who were in cahoots with me), and we even went to the buffet table together. How could I be so rude as to not attend?
Of course, all of these are said with a smile, mixed and blended with appropriate plastic expressions.
***
My favorite reason though was that I had a mountain of dirty laundry to wash, and eventually, iron. This insane excuse generally required an equally incredible retort. And so, instead of insisting on the real reason for my absence, the interrogator had to think quickly and come up with some witty response to my insane excuse.
If the interrogator succeeded in replying with wit, then a really interesting conversation ensued, thus, diverting all attention towards washing dirty laundry rather than my absence. In the end, the interrogator totally forgot the point of the entire conversation.
***
I might be bright and brilliant. But it is at times like this that I am convinced that I might very well be a genius.
