Tuesday, October 30, 2007 Covington: Vampires 101 By Gary Covington Looking on
THERE was a time when vampires stood out in a crowd. They only emerged at night and then dressed to kill, the better to snare a succulent virgin or two.
A well-cut suit was de rigeur as was an elegant cloak; silk-lined and tastefully edged with crimson tape.
Fashions change. Vampires today are dressing down, wearing jeans and casual shirts, just like you and me. Removable prosthetic fangs have done away with the toothy grin, modern drugs have seen off the allergy to sunlight. That well-groomed gent sitting close on the jeepney may be a vampire but how to tell?
Take a closer look at his complexion. Is it pale, pasty, sort of dead looking? How about his eyes - red and puffy? The up-all-night serious drinkers look? Might be just a hangover.
Try a bit of conversation; vampires never discuss religion. Offer round your garlic flavored chips. Does he take one or not? Finally, have a look in the jeepney's rear-view mirror. No reflection? You're sitting next to a vampire.
Don't panic - there's tried and trusted ways of dealing with the beast. Plunging a holy sword into a vampire's vitals was popular at one time and certainly did the trick but where on earth do you find a crusader's fighting kit in this day and age? Far more convenient and readily available are wooden stakes and a hammer that can be hidden away in a gym bag. There is of course still the problem of getting down to business - bashing a 2x2 through a stranger's chest on the sidewalk is a sure way to draw a crowd.
Holy Water - the real McCoy, not bottled or straight from the faucet - is easy to carry and its effects spectacular; a sprinkled vampire will, before your very eyes, melt in a most satisfying manner. The downside? The sticky remains are the very devil to clean up.
The simplest and most reliable vampire deterrent is a cross or crucifix. It can be of any material - although silver is a plus point - big or small, plain or fancy, the outcome will be the same. Brandish a cross and any ghouls will be sent a-scurrying back to the crypt.
Vampires are the undead keeping alive by drinking the blood of fresh humans. They cast no shadows nor cause a reflection. Some, it is said, are able to change into other forms - shapeshifters - but all suffer from one huge social and detectable disadvantage. They all have really, really, bad breath.
