Friday, August 08, 2008 Spaces By Rene Lizada Papa's Table
"A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude." - Rilke
IT TOOK me a while to learn the lesson but I guess I have finally learned it. One of the secrets of a good marriage is space, specifically solitude.
Sometimes in our eagerness to help the ones we love we try to interfere in what they do or even say. I have to confess that I have been like that because I want to help and I care. But sometimes it is our interference that causes the opposite of what we intend or what we want. Sometimes it is by meddling that we get into trouble.
I have often said it many times in my articles that my wife and I are so different. There are things in which we share and yet there are things that make us worlds apart.
For one, Chona will not ask me if anything is wrong, she will just wait until I open the issue up. She respects me enough and trusts me enough to respect and honor my space.
While me I am quite the opposite. When I can sense something is amiss, I jump into the fire and ask her, what is wrong. There were times when she would tell me and I would be relieved but there were also times when she would tell me, not now. And because being the idiot that I was I would persist and we would end up in an argument and I would blow the opportunity of being of help. In a way my compassion to help became the hindrance to do so. But I have learned the hard way. It took years, in fact for me to learn that lesson. There are times when you just have to trust the person, there are times when you just have to stand back and hope for the best.
That is also true for my children. One time in one of our dinners we were kidding each other and they claimed I was always breathing down their necks. We laughed about it but deep inside I felt a little hurt and I mentioned that to Chona. I told her is that the way my children perceive me? Is that the way they think of me? Chona just took me aside and said that they were just kidding but I knew better because I really do have this tendency to go overboard with my children. I am very protective of them that I will do anything to keep them safe.
A few years ago when my children were still sleeping in our room, I could never sleep until all three of them would be inside the room. That was night a problem with Chona, it did not bother her at all that the kids were still outside the room. She just falls asleep while I would be very restless and I would be cranky because sometimes they would enter the room quite late or quite early in the morning. I would literally toss and turn and it became a standing joke in my family that when I wanted them to go to bed because I wanted to go to bed, I would stand, open the door and do the psssst, tulog na kayo. In fact there were times when I would open the door and before I could say pssst, the three of them would, in unison go, oo, pasok na kami.
It even became worse when the kids turned teenagers. Now my problem was bigger. Up to now I still cannot sleep until all my children are at home safe. It has even gone worse because of my age I want to sleep earlier. I want to sleep at nine but it seems that nine is the time for them to go out. While I want to sleep, it is time for them to party. But I am trying so hard to adjust to that.
I think I must give my children space enough to grow and become better. Every morning ever since Miguel went to Manila to study I always greeted him with a text message. Now that Gabo is also there then I send two messages. There were times when I wanted to call them every night but I had to restrain myself because sometimes the best way to hold on is to let go. Raphael who studies here also has the free hand now. Of course I ask him where he is and what time he has to go home. But aside from that I give him the freedom to do what he wants. I trust him enough. Of course I still cannot sleep at night while he is out, of course I still open the gate, of course I still wait for him.
I have learned that the people we love and care for must be given space to do what they want. We cannot impose our wills and our agenda on them. That is disrespect of the highest nature. If we impose our wills and agenda we stifle their growth and their potential. Their possibilities and their dreams must be given wings, must have flight in order for them to achieve their highest potentials. We cannot stand in their way because of our fears and insecurities.
If we truly love those we claim to love we must set them free. We must give them the space to do what is in their hearts even if we lose sleep or lose ourselves.
To love means to let go. To love means to give space.
