Friday, August 22, 2008 Antalan: Patterns of parenting By Roger P. Antalan Dateline IGaCoS
RECENTLY, the president of the Parents-Teachers Association and the principal of a relatively small private school asked me to talk to the parents and the students, separately, on the topic: Teaching Values to the children.
The principal was more specific. In order to help the students, she wanted guidelines on how to handle the pressures from the parents, bullying, cheating, petty thefts, jealousy about family status, power struggle for recognition in academic ranking and a few others.
The principal feels, from her interviews with the students, that majority of the problems emanate from the home.
Before accepting the challenging task, I tried to consult educators who handle value formation for students.
I also read around the subject. Like in detective stories, there is need to do some "profiling", how the suspect (or suspects) looks like. If the problems emanate from the home, what situations in the home cause the problems?
I came upon a practical and user-friendly book entitled "I Love You" authored by Gordon O. Martinborough.
The book provides answers to many relationship problems of today. I will summarize the chapter on Patterns of Parenting for whatever its worth to teachers and parents.
According to the author, there are two elements that may cause tension in the business of parenting.
On the one hand, the greatest characteristic of successful parenting is love. On the other hand, the greatest challenge of parenting is control -- the setting of limits on the behavior of the children.
The dynamics of interaction of love and limits has the potential of producing four different styles, namely, a) The Neglectful; b) The Permissive; c) The Authoritarian; and d) The Authoritative.
We will briefly summarize the descriptions of the patterns as portrayed by Mr. Martinborough. Hopefully, parents and teachers will be able to identify the sources of strengths and the causes of weaknesses of the children under their care.
A) Neglectful parents are low on love and low on limits. Their children feel unloved, unwanted, and unwelcome. Consequently, these parents distance themselves from their children and develop no positive relationship.
But not only are they low on love, they are also low on limits.
They teach no standards of right or wrong. Their children are allowed to do as they please. They give corrections only when irritated, and this often results in abuse.
Children of such parents suffer from low self-esteem because they do not feel valued by their parents.
They feel insecure and are low achievers, for they lack motivation.
They tend to be rebellious as a reaction against the injustices they experienced. As such, they become prime candidates for criminal activity.
B) Permissive parents are high on love but low on limits.
Very loving and very caring, these parents endeavor to satisfy the many needs of the children; often over protective, making decisions that their children should be taught to make.
Unfortunately, they are low on limits and offer no guidelines of right and wrong.
The child is allowed to have his way.
These parents create no laws and enforce no standards. They offer excuses for the child's negative behavior.
With no established boundaries, the children are also insecure; tend to lack self-control; delight in manipulating their parents; usually weak on making moral choices.
C) Authoritarian, opposite to permissive, parents are low on love and high on limits.
Such parents utter no expression of love; relationship is that of master and a slave; little or no dialogue; child's opinion neither solicited nor respected; insensitive to feelings and needs of offspring.
Such parents are proud of their limits; focused on behavior, obedience, and conformity; very strict, rigid and inflexible; alert as the police. For such parents, corporal punishment is a frequent activity.
The children, denied of affirmation, suffer from low esteem.
Some tend to withdraw from society; others develop a spirit of resistance to rules, rebelling against authority.
In the field of values: One is blind, -- over-conformity to their parents; the other is total rejection of the value system.
These children are ill-equipped for making choices, not being given opportunity to develop that skill.
D) Authoritative is the ideal parenting style.
Parents are high on love and high on limits.
The first concern is a loving relationship with children.
Other qualities include expressed physical affection, taking time to talk and listen, sensitive and supportive.
They involve the kids in the decision-making process; teach them to make choices, even at the risk of making mistakes.
Parents and children are friends.
The authoritative parents however have clearly defined rules of conduct; explain reasons for these standards so that children can obey intelligently.
Conformity with provision for flexibility; firm but loving. When necessary to discipline, it's done with love.
The children have a high sense of self worth-worth because they are loved and valued.
They develop self-control and have a sense of security, given limits with reason.
They tend to be least rebellious, most self-assured and best equipped to face the issues of life successfully.
To conclude, I think this is more than enough profiling in these patterns of parenting.
Parenthood is complex and demanding but is also very rewarding.
If we know the patterns well, it should be easy to solve the puzzle. Parenting should be fun.
