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Thursday, April 06, 2006
Foreign Height
By Reynan Sularan
SOME more height. That is all I need and I will be your boy next door. Oh Good Lord, if you could hear me now, can you make me taller or at least just add five more inches to my humble height?
The measuring tape said that I am standing five feet and three inches. That's only two inches taller than Bentong (that semi-bald headed man who is tasked in giving Muncher and Boy Bawang in Wowowee) and four inches lower than Spad Webb, the smallest NBA champion.
Speaking of basketball, if I were around these cagers during my dug-out interview which I used to do when I was a sports writer, I'd look like Dagul (Goin' Bulilit) sniffing their athletes foot. That is unfair if I get to be suffocated in this way.
Now, Fair Lord, please grant my wish, I will read the Bible again and again, pray all day and all night and I will never miss a single mass. Not only that, I will also donate all my earnings to the church.
Sometimes when I see these nerds, freaks, losers, and stupid but tall guys, I can't help but hate myself: "If only I have that height". I condemn my grandfather for passing these genes through mom and why her blood still prevailed over dad's whose father and all their sides were towering in height. There's bias on how DNA works or whatever biological explanation there is for this. It is still unfair to say, "We are all equal". Yeah, I know were talking about legal matters here, I mean by all rights and responsibilities we are all equal. And yes, in the eyes of GOD and in law, we are treated equal. So what's my problem? It's just that for whoever said this, I hope you just shut your mouth because I take your words literally up to this height argument and all you gave me were false promises and a low self-esteem.
No, I'm not insecure, in case you're questioning my security. Less gifted but not insecure. I have brains that work perfectly. Well, only that there is couple of screws on the loose. I am not boring too because if I were I am alone now but guess who's with me last week, Diana Zubiri. And if I am boring, nobody would dare talk to me, which is impossible because of the fact that you're reading me now.
I am emphatically not stupid or a stupid looking man even in the physical aspect.
If confusion arises, let me present Exhibit A: Raul, the tallest man in the Philippines who happens to be so dull, so lousy, not so funny and useless. Standing more than seven foot tall, wow, that is too much for an average Pinoy, Raul with his mighty height is too qualified to be the center of the any professional team. But Raul was never a basketball star nor can't he even drive the ball to the basket. Tall he is but his height is useless.
You can also immediately conclude that he is a slow thinker basing from the way he moves --- so ssssllowww. Translation: Actions speak louder than words.
Wait a minute: "Who's that human post behind Jay-R in Encantadia standing without any dialogue and speechless for the rest of the 30-minute episode, is that Raul? Who's that Kapre in a horror flick? Is that Raul?" Well, at least for that role and no more else, Raul could be useful. Now, if stars in the next LOTR, maybe one of the creepy creatures, if there is, I will stop writing.
Try Exhibit B: Yao Ming. This Chinese seven-footer turned NBA basketball star has been dominating the post and rebounds. With just two inches leap, he could slam the ball in the net or grab the rebound by just raising his heel. Wow, he's amazing but how about exchanging face with him? Just face, not the height, not the color or his money. Just face.
In growing up, one's height or being tall is important. My growing years seem so slow. I feel like I grow a centimeter every two years. So that's as slow as a turtle compared to the inches in every two months that my other classmates enjoy. Is this what they call growth gap?
In my elementary days, the first slot at the first line was always reserved for me from. It was only in Grade 6 when sometimes I exchanged second and third slots when I level with some of my classmate's height.
My height hiatus continued to my teen years when the rest of the flag ceremonies and other situation that needed a falling line according to height became my permanent duty. How I wish there is also a line according to height giving 1M for the first man in the line and only P10 for the rest on my back; so that would be sometimes fair.
Sometimes, I think that the ground must have fallen in love with me that it doesn't want me to grow tall. There was one time that I talked to the ground. "You really love me huh, don't you?" Oh no, I am starting to sound like one of Snow White's dwarves. Imagine that for many years I have been so faithful to the ground that I never let my eyes get too high from her.
The desperate solution to this self-imposed anguish is to find a genetic engineer, scientist, chemist, miracle man, whatever or whoever could discover a formula in capsule or liquid form to make people grow faster and taller without undergoing any pain or medical surgery and make friends with him or her. And if he could do it, I will invite and introduce him to six other dwarves in my birthday.
"Tatangkad din ako". This is the come-on commercial of Growee. But this is only for kids and growing. "Ah excuse me miss, my ara kamu sini para sa mga soltero?" "Wala gid To."
Damn. What happened to those who bought Cherifer? Have they grown taller? Really? Remember that commercial about the girl who fell in love with the guy who reached the product for her. Oh, that is really an advantage but not all the time. You can always ask the assistance of any mall salesperson. Besides give them work. So what's my point? My point is, if the product is effective, then I would have to say bye bye to the beloved ground.
There are many life altering possibilities if I were taller.
One, I'd probably will never have the second thought to pursue courting all these models and taller chicks I've met. My guts and confidence will be given a boost while walking at the mall together with this model-slash-soon-to-be-girlfriend.
Two, I'll get a hosting job because I will not look like her walking cane.
Three, my modeling career dream will finally come true.
Fourth, I will never look stocky and stumpy on stage when I will wear these loose jerseys during my rap performances. And many more.
In the long run, when I see Janno Gibbs, Ogie Alcasid, Raymart Santiago and Elijah Wood, I feel like I'm contented, so I have accepted the fact that I will never grow anymore.
I really think that God is wise when he made us the way we are. Maybe, he wants me to be the next Eminem without height. Or maybe, I was destined to host a kiddie show. J. Gibbs is one of the country's top balladeer. Alcasid is a premiere song writer and singer. Santiago married Claudine Barreto, sister of Gretchen who has one of the most gorgeous faces in the country. Elijah Wood, Frodo Baggins, the famed Hobbit and one of the Hollywood heartthrobs.
But honestly, if Dagul were as tall as Raul, will he still be funny?
I don't think so because; he can no longer say "Huhmm, ang bango ng iyong ano, amoy pinipig".
(April 6, 2006 issue)
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