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Monday, May 22, 2006
Singled Out
By Lady Ochel Espinosa
EVERY second, someone somewhere says "I do," while somewhere else, another chooses to say, "I don't." Reality bites. It can even sometimes devour.
For traditional romantics and pragmatics alike, marriage stands as a course of life that seems as rudimentary and banal as going to school, looking for a job, even changing underwear. They perceive marriage as a rite of passage, a public commitment that would assert one's worth particularly in society.
These days, the interlocking of hands and hearts multiply in fascinating speed. Still, certain individuals, though heterosexual and not inclined toward entering a religious order, are perceived as deviants in their own right because of their preference to remain "single".
Ms Independent Woman
Meet Regina Cristina Jamerlan or Triggy to her close friends, a 23-year-old single woman working in the field of education. Outlasting several "passionate and fun" relationships, Triggy is enjoying her highly coveted availability. She is open-mindedly welcoming career opportunities and dating invitations as they come. That is, until she meets the man competent enough to be her groom. If she doesn't, "I guess being single is a far better life than being with someone whom I don't feel comfortable with," she says. If she does not find anyone by the age of 40, she and a friend will get married. In the meantime, the search for 'the One' still holds. She still contents herself with her life, one where she is free, unlimited, and fabulous.
Staying single attracts surprisingly extreme alternatives. Triggy has entertained the thought of entering the convent, perceiving it more of an escape than a vocation then. Despite her options, Triggy refuses to disregard men. "I love it that men are different. Some are really stupid while some are just wickedly aggressive," she says.
Youthful still, she awaits experiences that demand life-altering decisions. Her last word on relationships is, "Try to hold the drama, it isn't healthy."
Find "the One" or Burst
At 32, Anthony*, a human rights lawyer is settled. He has decided not to marry anyone but "Girl 8," his version of a perfect girl. After two relationships and countless blind dates, Anthony has developed a "grocery checklist" when it comes to relationships. Ranging from the physical ideal, the practical, to the peculiar, Anthony maintains that if a girl doesn't fall into any of the eight qualities, he would not be interested.
Anthony takes his relationships very seriously. As a matter of fact, he usually ends up breaking up with his girlfriend once he realizes that she falls short of his qualifications. He has decided that for his own good, he would no longer compromise his fixed list, upon experiencing the repercussions when he does.
Currently, he has set a deadline for himself: June 2006. If he doesn't get a girl or this girl by then, he will resign to the fact that maybe he was meant to just be single.
A Subject of Marriage
The desire to stay single is not limited to those in their late twenties or older.
"I don't want to get married because I don't believe in the notion of marriage," says Paula*,21 years old, and a philosophy graduate. She is convinced that for some people, marriage has become a scapegoat not to end up alone, which more often, makes a big lie out of marriage. She adds that a man and a woman who are genuinely in love should be free to start a family even without a marriage contract. "More than words, love should be expressed in action, and no piece of paper will ever be good enough to prove how two people feel for each other," she says.
Jonathan*, 28 years old, and a young entrepreneur, has different sentiments for disregarding marriage. "I refuse to get married because I don't like the idea of being 'committed' to only one person," he says. "Under the 'sanctity' of marriage, one is forced to control or limit his or her personal developments and natural tendencies to change."
Because she is only 22 years old, Faye Margaret Astorga, a software engineering graduate refuses to put a period in her decisions, particularly regarding marriage. "Marriage is a decision I have not decided to make yet at this point of my life," she says, explaining that unlike graduating from school then finding a job, marriage is not necessarily a matter of course in life. For Faye Margaret, it is something one can do without. Although she does not see herself getting married now or any time soon, she nonetheless does not discard the possibility.
Matter of Age and Drought
"When people in their teens or twenties say they don't want to get married, I think they still don't know what they're saying. They're still too young. They may just be frustrated with their boyfriend or girlfriend," says Janet*, a psychologist and is married for 26 years. She considers that most of these young people who reject the possibility of marriage are simply going through a fleeting phase where decisions are not yet as solid compared to when they reach their thirties. For her, self-realization stretches until one's twenties.
Celine*, a part time pre-school teacher, agrees. "According to the stages of development, people in their thirties are presumably more independent and firm decision-makers, having experienced a lot in terms of career and relationships. Their decision-making skills are more rational and less confounded by extreme emotions." Celine considers two perspectives regarding some people's refusal to be bound by marriage. In Freud's eyes, this could just be defense mechanism. While in a humanistic point of view, these people are just exercising their free will.
Furthermore, Janet believes that for some people who are either straight or homosexual, being single is temporary, due to a drought of people whom they are compatible with. They could be happily single without feeling the urge to look for someone, because they are making the most of what they have now. Should they meet someone they are compatible with, however, it is very likely for them to welcome a possible relationship. Celine adds that some decisions to remain single were merely immediate reactions to trauma-causing experiences. Thus, in the hope of self-preservation, these people have opted to stay single to duck further emotional damages.
Single and Happy
Does the expression "single and happy" sound like an oxymoron to you? Are you weary of others (especially other singles) reinforcing the belief that singles can't be happy? Do you find yourself always planning for the future or putting things off until you "are married and settled? Do you often have a sense that the intense feelings of happiness and joy can't really be experienced unless you "have someone to share it with?" Do you just feel there is not enough time and other necessary resources available to the single person to pursue experiences that can bring true happiness?
If the above resonates in your gut, don't despair. Instead, learn to experience the journey of life. If you can only see the goal of a relationship - marriage, home, children, etc., you will not enjoy the experiences along life's way. A good analogy for this is that of a person who bikes and sets a 40-mile goal for the day. They plan and prepare and off they go. The trip consists of thoughts about getting there, watching for problems in the road ahead, measuring the distance and looking forward to the sense of relief and accomplishment when the goal is met.
What about the sensory experiences missed along the way? This biker will not see the way the sun is reflecting on the river. They won't hear the sounds of the birds and other wildlife in the parallel world around them. The smells of fresh vegetation, moist soil and spring-drenched air will not reach their awareness. It's doubtful their mind will trip and play with thoughts of other (perhaps childhood) days like this. In other words, they won't be IN the experience, just racing through it, and missing the magic available all around them.
On Your Own
Amid whimsical decisions during the fleeting life phases of people - male or female, straight or otherwise, what matters is not the compliance to obliging societal expectation, but to one's true desires.
Finding the right one worth spending a lifetime with in marriage is nothing like shopping for a specific object. So much is at stake in betting one's heart in search of true love. But appreciating and contenting one's self with life, gladly embracing whatever comes along, is free.
Marriage is not the sole destination for everyone. Sometimes, living a single and fabulous life is an alternate route one could take.
*Names have been changed to protect the individuals
(For comments and suggestions, please write to ladyochel@gmail.com)
(May 22, 2006 issue)
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