A Year Ago

HAVE you ever believed all your life that the sun rises in the west and then one day—out of the blue—you woke up seeing it rise in the east? I guess that’s exactly how I’d put it. What happened was that I stopped needing you, that I realized I can live without you, and that the world won’t end without you being around. It was something unwanted, one I would have fought against if I could. For years you were everything to me, and would have been for years more. You were my peace in this chaotic, fast-changing world and my anchor when malevolent seas try to devour my ship of sanity. But like all too-good-to-be-true things, it ended; like a thief in the night, all that was beautiful was stolen in a blink of an eye.

There was something amiss. Our distance became so palpable I could hear its pulse reverberating in my ears. You and I are a vain attempt of an unmerciful resuscitation of a dead man, a futile effort which only produces cruel hopes and defeated optimism.

Tragic it may seem, but the truth is, we had an untimely death, one whose desperate call for salvation has long been reduced from an echo to the inevitable deafening silence.

The saddest part is the shattered fantasy that a life without you is not a life at
all. Now, I am alone and surprisingly okay despite the everyday battle of reason, the constant tug of war between the past and the present. This time—the very last time—I shall allow myself to open the floodgates of memories. And if I’m lucky, after tonight, I shall finally be released from the last chains of invisible bondage. 

I miss needing you, and the comfort and security your presence used to bring. I miss coming home to your sympathetic ear and warm embrace after a stressful day. When everything felt so dull and gloomy, you were the light in the dark pit I was in. 

I miss the way you smiled and how you held my hand telling me everything’s going to be okay. I miss you laughing at my obsessive thoughts about failing and your constant assurance that I could achieve my heart’s desire.

I miss getting mad at you for no reason at all, and how you’d patiently talk to me as if I was a child throwing a tantrum. I miss the way you made me laugh when I was in the middle of my outburst, when you would concede to my unreasonableness just because you know I have an aversion to being the one at fault. I hate how understanding you were and how you would win every argument by making me feel that I was right even though deep down, I knew I was not. I hate the fact that it just doubles the remorse I feel and subjects me to a premature introspection which at the end of the day makes me the person I like better.

You were the one who saw beneath the exterior, the one who lifted the spirit, which at times, was beyond consolation. I miss you guessing what’s on my mind and knowing me even more than I know myself. I miss the days when looking at you was enough to take all the stress away , when I would think to myself there’s nothing more in life I’ll ever need. But most of all, I miss your kind eyes telling me unspeakable words of affection. I miss you. I miss us. I miss our world, our own little bubble I was so content to be in.

Each turn of the road, each change brings about sadness in leaving someone behind, a person who carries a little piece of you--a piece you know is an integral part of your whole, and a piece you can never get back. With a final look, I take with me all that’s beautiful in the hope of making them timeless. I’m letting go of the youth, of the memories spent. I’m letting go of every laughter shared, every dream built. I am letting go of you. I am letting go of us.

(The writer requested anonymity)