How to survive the Valentine’s Day Apocalypse

THE world obviously won’t end on Valentine’s Day. But why is it that those who have a 90 percent chance of not having a V-Day date feel that way? Tough, no? We’ll here are some tips on “how to survive the Valentine’s Day apocalypse.” (No one knows if these are fool proof, but there’s no harm in trying. Besides, what could be worse than spending time alone on Feb. 14?)

Drink lots of water. Nothing can be more stressful than the thought of spending Valentine’s Day alone. According to studies, granted the researcher was honest and truthful, something you couldn’t say about your ex, a dehydrated body wouldn’t run well, and this can lead to stress. It’s bad enough to get stressed thinking about being dateless. It will be twice the stress if you end up dehydrated because not only you’re so down you can’t eat, you also can’t drink water.

Skip alcohol. Alcohol is a diuretic, which means if you drink too much alcohol, you could run the risk of getting dehydrated, and getting dehydrated isn’t good (see above). It’s too complicated to explain. So, on second thought, the best reason to skip alcohol really is that it does something to your head, which in turn makes you do silly things, like texting your ex, or calling him in the middle of a date. (How you got to learn that he has a date is one big mystery. But we’ll leave it at that.)
Hoard lots of chocolates. You don’t have to be the equivalent of a doomsday prepper and stock a roomful of Cadburys and Lindts. A luggageful will do. Okay, make that a shoulder-bagful. To avoid overeating, store everything inside the freezer, so it gets rock solid. The harder the chocolate, the longer it will take for you to finish everything. Why chocolates, by the way? Well, chocolates, studies say, are a great substitute for love. But we guess you already know that.

Declare Feb. 14 a No-Facebook Day. Reading declarations of love and seeing all those saccharine photos on Facebook is arguably the best way to torture poor dateless you.

So, find alternatives to keep yourself distracted. Since it’s a workday, one sensible thing to do is to head straight home and pre-occupy yourself with anything that will help you forget what Feb. 14 is for, which leads us to the next tip...

Watch DVDs about death and destruction. These kinds of DVDs will give you more than enough reason why people should stop pro-creating (which essentially is the whole point behind Valentine’s Day).

Choose your reading material wisely. We’ve heard that “50 Shades of Grey” is so bad you’re going to end up laughing so hard or so angry you’d forget you don’t have a Valentine’s date. Another option is to read authors who ooze misanthropy and are
convinced that “love is dead.” Try any Bret Easton Ellis or Michel Houellebecq downer.

Their vision of a loveless world will make you reconsider that your own Valentine’s Day Apocalypse isn’t too bad after all. (Freon L. Ollival)