7:30 A.M. BUZZ. There goes my cue for the usual morning rush -- bath, try a few clothes on until finally deciding what to wear to work, get breakfast if I had the time, a little makeup and a cab ride.
But this morning wasn't like the usual. So I dismissed my alarm and rolled to the other side of the bed, feeling a significant pound heavier because an unemployed butt probably counts.
Effective today. The first weekday in 16 weeks that I wouldn't be reporting to anyone or anywhere. Let me tell you how it feels like -- it's almost like going through the remarkable stages of loss and grief.
First there's denial. You know what's happening but you're oblivious to the fact that it really is happening. And then you feel angry. At no one in particular really. And not having that particular target -- an inanimate object to aim at or a person to blame -- fires it up. And then there's bargaining. Reasoning your way out of misery.
Searching for easier ways to get out of that shit hole in your chest that’s eating you up. Then all at once it just feels awful and depressing. (Or maybe it wouldn't feel as awful if you had some backup plan or something, in my case I don't, which means I'm, well, screwed.)
You feel like a multiple strings cut altogether, completely and so hastily detached from the other ends. And then you're just done. With all the hurt and helplessness. You realize that there’s nothing left. Nothing left to deny or be mad about or feel sorry for, nothing you can change. And it's tiring and totally pointless to feel bad about things you can't change, so you just stop. That, my friend, is acceptance and it will do you good.
It did me good. For one, it gave me some things to ponder... Statistics point out the employment-to-population ratio all the time. But have you ever wondered how many of the world's working class stick to their jobs just because it's necessary or safe? I have today and I thought I wouldn’t want to add up to that number. So here’s to the young ones.
I'm not old enough -- true -- but I know mistakes count - also very true. So screw up more than a few times.
Change your mind too often. Chase after the wrong things. Get on the wrong train. Mess things up. Do a lot of things for the first time. If you have the adrenaline, rush. If you have the money, spend. If you have the day off, go out. If you have all night, spend half of it awake. If you have time, don’t waste it.
Whatever it is that you want to do, do it now. That's what the early, roaring twenties are for. Chances and choices. Risks and reruns. When we're old and wise, there wouldn't be enough room for all that. Not enough space and no errors to backspace with.
Not enough chances and nothing to risk them with. Not enough guts and no glory. So trust the guts you have now, find something you love and stick to it. In the end, we only regret the wrongs we never did, the decisions we waited too long to make.
Today I'm back to square one and I'm not sorry. Tomorrow at 7:30 a.m., I'm going to hear a buzz and know that it's morning and that I have woken up to new things and so much more. That's not so bad. That's not so bad at all. (Eva Ces Gamalong)