Y-Speak: To the to the detached

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By Gerne Boja

Sunday Essays

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I AM writing to tell you that being alone is never bad but being lonely is.

I myself am an inexpressive child. I build high walls around me, not allowing anyone to be more than a mere acquaintance.

I am detached. I choose to be.

I was not like this when I was younger. I had friends. Everyone was my friend or so I thought.

I could not say that I was bullied because I knew people who had it worst. However, finding out that I was the subject of the backdoor conversations of my so-called friends saying that I did not belong in their circle ruined my childhood.

I felt like an outcast when I was perfectly fine.

I cried my eyes out for days then got tired and decided to move on. But when I moved on I was different. I was not the carefree, vulnerable child anymore. I became guarded, which suck all the fun I should have experienced in grade school.

When I went to high school I transferred to a different school, a public school. So much different from the private school where I came from.

There I tried to know my new classmates without getting attached to them or risking being betrayed. So even though the happiest people surrounded me I was lonely. I smiled but I was lonely.

I thought to myself, maybe I was born to be alone. So, I expected to pass high school unnoticed but one day the girl I spend most of my time with asked me if she was my best friend. I blandly said no because how can I be someone’s best friend when I am destined to be alone.

She was greatly offended with my answer. Then I realized that she must have felt the same way as I did when I was in grade school.

I felt sick because I was becoming the same type of person that I loathed for years. So I told myself that I would take the risk of being scarred, abandoned, betrayed, or lied to.

That girl who asked if I was her best friend did become my best friend.

I wasted quite a lot of time hating those people who made me not hate relationships. Those people who pushed me into locking myself alone in the dark.

But after I met my best friend it dawned on me that I was never forced to hate, to be lonely. It was me who pushed everyone who came close.

It was a long walk alone in the road of loneliness before I found my solace but it was worth it because now I know I do not need to walk alone. I have friends that would walk that road with me.

If you get broken into pieces do not throw yourself and regard it as useless because someone would come along and put a new meaning in you broken being.

Always remember that tumbling stones are there for you to make as stepping-stones.

-o0o-

(Sunday Essays are articles written by Ateneo de Davao University students for their journalism class.)

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