BEING called to be a minister, a pastor of God's flock, is a task that is practically impossible to accomplish. Why, then, am I a minister?
Honestly, that too, is a personal mystery to me. It is only by the grace of the Chief Shepherd, Jesus Christ, that we survive the pressures and enjoy the pleasure of guiding God's flock.
Today, I would like to be honest about something which few among my ranks care to talk about, more so, admit that it is happening. I am referring to a minister's midlife crisis.
Generally, men go through this stage but I want to single out the midlife crisis of a pastor. I hope that many out there will take this stage seriously. I also hope that churches would extend grace for their pastors who are going through it. Maybe, someone who is more equipped will start a support group for "midlifers"…but for the meantime, let us talk about it.
The average minister finishes seminary between the ages 21 to 25. His first parish would give him a stint of 3 years; usually 1 to 2 years…depending on your denominational structure. As the minister progresses in feeding and caring for the spiritual needs of the flock and, added to that, the surrounding community, the pastor tends to forget that he is human…it here that "midlife crisis" reminds the Reverend that he is but human and vulnerable.
I have a list of signs of the "midlife crisis" from the point-of-view of a minister. I am sure there are similarities among those who are not in the ministry, but these signs are mostly true of those who wear a clerical collar. Again, I write as a married Southern Baptist minister…here we go:
1. A feeling of boredom and dissatisfaction in your current assignment.
2. Revisiting your kind of music during your high school days. in my case, "Air Supply songs".
3. A feeling of having sacrificed too much for family and for others, and not enough for myself.
4. Having a desire for adventure or solitude (in my case, solitude), more reflective or daring.
5. A dread for Sunday services -- finding it more of a duty than a delight.
6. Loosening of one’s moral grip. It is at ‘midlife’, that a minister is so vulnerable…that moral compromises are most likely to happen.
7. Seeing other ministers as hypocritical, shuns pastor’s fellowships, and demands privacy.
8. Abnormal expenditures…meaning, purchasing of gadgets and other things that contradict our sermons on contentment.
May I borrow the words of an Anglican vicar, Bob Mayo: "I don't write from the point of view of authority but authenticity." It is at this stage that we, your pastors, need your help…help from spouses; from the parish we serve; from our denomination. Few among us will cry out for help or admit this crisis. Believe me, many are in this difficult chapter of life. Older pastors also tend to be in denial and judgmental. Where do we go? Before the ‘midlife crisis’ ends, there is now a potential for a full-blown ministry crisis; moral failure; another pastor's family destroyed.
I pray to my fellow minister, let us take this stage seriously. In my case, it came early...as far as I can remember, I was 32 years old when these signs popped up. My readings revealed that this lasts at least ten years.
"Midlife crisis" has no cure per se, but it can be a wonderful turning point in a pastor's life. This is our last chance to bow to God before we grow to be wicked old men in ministry. Professor Victolero, we call him "Kuya Eseng," of the Navigators ministry, helped me a lot.
No long lectures (men in midlife hate that…wives, take note), but a non judgmental hand that reminded me to bow down to God. Rev. Daniel Feleo, senior Pastor of The Foursquare Gospel Church in Davao, is a God-sent friend that allowed me the grace to be me.
My wife, Sheryl Lynn, absorbed all my midlife tantrums; stuck it out with me; took time to read about the issue and decided to put up with me while I was in the most unlovable stage of my life. I must not forget the congregation of Davao Chinese Baptist Church, to whom I honestly admitted my "midlife crisis." They all prayed…and their prayer is helping the minister to recover from this stage.
A wife, a fellow minister, and, a gracious church are proven ministers of grace to help the pastor not fall or to recover from falling.
My "midlife crisis" is not over yet, though it is now quite a distance from where it started. Midlife brokenness is a blessing, I believe a non negotiable requirement for a minister to finish his journey. A Minister's midlife is difficult, yet humbling…making our vulnerability obvious that we may bow down to Him who called us. I am praying that God will use this article to help men in midlife… especially ministers.
Thanks for reading.