I WAS only 20 years old when I showed my Dad my engagement ring. "What? Are you pregnant?" he uttered in shock. "Hell no!" I replied. My guy is seven years older, and back then, he lived in New Jersey so we wanted to be together ASAP. "Then what’s the rush? Have a long engagement if you want my blessing, and do D.W. (Discovery Weekend) muna!" my father bellowed. D.W is a marriage preparation program for engaged couples.
Later that day, we met up with my then BF, now spouse; and the words out of Dad's mouth were: "Are you sure you wanna marry her? She can be a bitch. Pati tubig inuutos niyan sa katulong! You're gonna give yourself a headache with no yayas in the US!" Uh jeez, thanks, Dad.
Of course, we had to follow my father's advice and waited two years before tying the knot. We also took the D.W. with my parent's friends, Jojo and Ditsy Sumpaico, as the lay chaplains. Thankfully, my now husband was both blind and deaf to my father's warnings. Haha. We will soon celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary (and 20 years of being “us”).
Seriously, I could understand my dad's apprehensions. He always reminded me that people in love are more inclined to view the world with rose-colored glasses; however, when reality sinks in, people get a rude awakening so it’s best to be prepared. He also wanted to make sure that this guy of mine would still love me at my worst. He and my mom have been volunteers for the Discovery Weekend since 1990. Even when I was still in elementary, I often helped when it was their weekend to serve.
The D.W. is a pre-cana retreat for any couple in a serious relationship. It is a program of the Center for Family Ministries in Ateneo De Manila conducted in Manila and Cebu. They receive help from volunteers, whose mission is to make Filipino marriages and families strong and united. One of the things my husband and I learned from watching the husband-wife volunteers is to surround yourself with like-minded couples, who consciously nurture their relationships, if you want support for a lasting marriage.
People nowadays often plunge into their "I Dos" preparing and spending so much for the wedding, but not for the actual marriage. Thus, it is not surprising that after only a few months, disillusionment sets in and some couples quickly decide to call it quits.
The D.W. is a program designed to enrich couples' relationships by helping them assess and deepen their bond through communication and dialogue. Participants also see the many dimensions of marriage openly, honestly, and realistically through a team of married couples and/or a priest who share their experiences.
Marriage is beautiful but definitely not easy. Romantic love quickly fades as the harsh realities of everyday living dull its shine. At times, I, myself, wonder how on earth my husband and I have survived this long cause we are polar opposites—I talk too much, whereas, he barely speaks. I often tease him napapanis ang laway niya (his saliva is fermenting). I am a short-tempered panic-button, and he is a slow-to-anger calm fella. I get energy from people; he revels in quiet solitude. I laugh out loud—the buka bibig yugyug bilbil kind—and yet, I can barely coax a smile with teeth out of him. He takes risks in both business and his recreational activities. I am more reserved in my investments and as for activities; my couch excites me the most. He is athletic; I am eat-letic...You get the picture?! The list just goes on.
In all honesty, I cringe when many others say their spouse is their best friend. I can't relate because I can't call my husband that. When I need to vent, he is the last person I’ll call. He’ll probably get annoyed with my theatrics and tell me to calm down. Sometimes, the latter is the last thing I want to hear. He just doesn't get the art of being a sounding board. He typically wants to get to the root of the problem and solve it. That is also okay, but there are times I just wanna cry ala Oscars.
Early on, the Discovery Weekend showed me these differences are not set-backs as long as we are able to accept them. Moreover, they emphasized to me that “feelings are neither right nor wrong”. Show respect by never invalidating a partner’s feelings. Through couples-sharing, they illustrate that there will be many battles and it is vital to learn the art of choosing what matters and what to let go.
Love is really not just a feeling but a decision. D.W. stresses that love is action and intention which needs work to sustain a relationship through the years. It is easy to split and say I don't want this anymore. I am sure my husband has felt that way too, just like I have, at some point. No marriage is perfect, but as cheesy as it may sound, we ended up perfect for each other.
When I am drowning in the murky waters of life’s issues, my husband's calm voice of reason is the buoy. It is okay that he cannot engage in mindless chika with me, or he doesn't know how to handle a crying snotty mess. I have plenty of friends who get the girltalk bestie job done. He can just continue to be my serious, rock-solid, and reliable husband, who is a man not of words but action. Most of all, I am truly thankful that he still manages to say "I Do" with me each day; even when the going gets tough, and it is really just so much easier to shout "I Don't!"
For more inquiries on the Discovery Weekend, please call Lala at 09067832140 or email: discoveryweekend@yahoo.com. You may also check http://discoveryweekend.org or their FB page. There are many items in the wedding checklist. It is about time to include investing in marriage as part of that to-do list!