THERE is a phrase, almost a cliché that keeps coming up in spiritual direction, in conversations with friends (if you are lucky enough to have friends with whom you can have such conversations) and even in the confessional: “Be kind to yourself.”
At the center of them is the extraordinary idea that we must see ourselves as somehow “worthy (or deserving of love.”
The whole glorious point of Christianity is that we do not need to earn or deserve or be worthy of love, we simply receive it, grace upon grace, a lavish free gift, the cup running over and the sweetness of the Lord like honey in the mouth. We are not worthy, we cannot deserve, but we are indeed loved.
This is deeply liberating; it helps free us from the twin evils of endless introspection and the judgment of others. There are, I am sorry to have to say, a number of people in my life whom I really struggle with and fail to think of as “worthy” of love; but I do not have to compare myself with them, like me, they are not deserving but nevertheless they are loved by God (who is simply a great deal better at loving than I am).
It also makes me uneasy because of the implicit suggestion that holiness is dependent on, or worse, is a consequence of, psychological well-being. This puts a dark moral shadow over those who live with mental illness – and, anyway, it is simply untrue: Teresa of Avila would be certified if she were alive today and Francis (particularly if he happened to be from an ethnic minority). Indeed, it could be seen as a proof of the kindness of God that so very few people nowadays have to “explain” their stigmata to a social worker.
“Be kind to yourself” also makes me cross partly because it is so frequently dished out as advice, or even instruction, without any practical follow-up. The inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities is justified. Instead of asking God to teach me to be kinder to myself, I sit still and ask God to let me experience more of the power and the sweetness of the divine kindness.
Since I am convinced that God is, in fact, kinder than I am, this is probably a very self-indulgent exercise.
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