Lim: Dear Jan

Dear Jan,

Today, I know, is the happiest day of your life. And I couldn’t be happier for you. You probably think that I don’t believe in love and marriage. Well, I do. In fact, if there was anyone who would be completely faithful to the idea of love and marriage, it would be me.

Jan, I love the person that you already are (before the marriage). So stay that way and be even better (after the marriage).

You are a strong, capable, efficient and organized person. Don’t become one of those girls who, after getting married, can no longer hang a picture frame or change a light bulb without waiting for the hubby to come home. You are the same person that you were before the wedding. Marriage should not make you any less intelligent or capable.

This union should not be a merger. It should be a consolidation. No one should lose his or her identity in the process. You should see yourselves as two players who have chosen to play on the same team for the rest of your lives.

This is what a coupling should be—two people uniting to become stronger together. When you bicker, your team suffers but when you join forces, you become formidable.

And yet you will bicker. It is inevitable—because life is not perfect and no one is, either. And then you’ll have to make some hard and humble choices—to forgive the other for his faults and failings because after all, you’re not perfect either.

Not all problems are created equal but many can be solved with just magnanimity. I once asked someone who failed at her own marriage, “What do you think is the secret of a lasting marriage?” “Love,” she tells me. “Really? Just love?” I retort in surprise. “Yes,” she says, “sometimes, all it takes is just love.”

Married life will get boring. Oh yes. So how do you keep it exciting? Well, you’ll really have to learn to reinvent yourself over time. I mean, think about it. As an individual—don’t you want to stay interesting, perhaps even fascinating for the rest of your life?

I once heard on TV a woman who said she couldn’t bear to look at her body anymore. Interestingly, her friend said, “If you can’t bear to look at your body, who do you think can?” I laughed so hard but it was a light-bulb moment. Don’t ever let yourself go.

“If you want something from your husband, make him happy first, everything else will follow.” Take my unsolicited advice and thank me later.

Now show this to Marvin, Jan, and tell him that he should do exactly as I tell you.

I’m sorry I missed the wedding but it’s for the best as I would have cried a river and embarrassed you.

I wish you joy, love and passion but especially patience for the rest of your lives. Know that today, the work begins. Oh yes. A lot of work actually goes into creating life’s greatest adventures.

Love, Auntie Mimi

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