OFFICIALS of Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA) and former MMDA chief Bayani Fernando are now at odds regarding the proposed construction of public urinals. Read: “Pataasan ng ihi.”

All conceivable sectors – from engineers, politicians, environmentalists, and public health managers – have their own suggestions on how to go about the urinals.

My proposal is that the city planners and builders should include urologists in the study panel to arrive at a near perfect solution to the predicament.

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Already hotly argued are the urinals’ proposed design, particularly those for women; peeing fee for maintenance, colors, privacy and expected sanitation problems.

Urination is a human function and urologists should also be involved in the planning and implementation of approved concepts.

While the MMDA is trying to solve the problem of wet floors due to urine spillage, it has yet to ask a certified urologist why and how this misdemeanor can be prevented or minimized.

If he is not too occupied with treating prostrate problems of his brother Masons, Dr. Tony Guzman can give the MMDA people a lesson or two on how to urinate properly. He might also reveal a male condition which may require medical inquiry in aid of legislation.

This problem with unkempt and bad toilets especially dirty open public urinals al fresco, has been the chief complaint of tourists who had been toilet-trained in childhood.

Tourism officials should acquaint tourists on local culture. Letting them use the toxic urinal at the Rabbit Bus Station in Rizal Avenue where even the strong-hearted Igorots have been known to have fainted will be an unforgettable experience. Not out of exhaustion or prolonged hunger but because of the toxic fumes arising from uncollected urine of fellow tax evaders in aging containers.

I was told the Rabbit people are selling the impounded urine for conversion to an exotic herbal tonic which certain Chinese men drink for potency and to boost their immune system. The potion is available in Pampanga malls, Made in China.

The PRBL toilet is the worst that I have been into in my whole life. By circumstance, it has taught us mice and men to hold their breath for three minutes or so while peeing to prevent premature death due to reckless imprudence.

Lining up to use the urinal in a crowded toilet, however helps you develop patience and self-control.

It is still okay with me even if the other guy uses the toilet while texting with one hand and holding his sprinkler with other. That’s human right.

But I would not want to be caught in a situation where certain senior citizens like the popular columnists Ed Aguilar and Rizal Policarpio are ahead of the line.

Ed has a prostrate problem and Rizal is diabetic. When both conditions are present, you can finish your reciting your morning prayers and the Miranda code, too, before they are done.

Most of the spillage in comfort rooms, in corner walls, and behind trees and bushes come from beer drinkers with bad bladders needing a plumbing job. Most of the worst leak comes from those running the Board Exams.

Other guys with male organs requiring a bushing job spill urine sideways like a defective fire hose. They should work at the fire department.

Those with short organs and lack the required reach before the urinal deliver in weak spurts. Men my age call it the senior moment, marked by droplets and double dribble.

Most parents allow their toddler cola-drinking kids to relieve themselves on the toilet floor. The pee compounded with Ondoy grime sticks to your shoes which you take into your sala.

In ladies rooms so-called, some women who abhor sitting on the dirty toilet bowl, spray urine on the floor. After a long trip on the road, a busload of passengers, women mostly, take behind the bus or the nearest tree, or beside the cogon grass and piss while standing. It was a spectacle to watch how, during the era when most did not wear panties, they nimbly raised their skirts up like dancers doing “tinikling” while draining themselves on the arid land.

Now former MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando and his successor Oscar Innocentes should settle the final design of the urinals by a peeing contest between the two. The first rule is the male organ should not be held by either hand for health reasons and in keeping with non-interference in official matters. Whoever has the fastest and longest reach is the winner and his concept should prevail.

If old man Innocentes can pee without wetting his imported shoes why, he should go on with his plan and let Bayani the tenor belt out “O Solo Mio” while pissing behind a Meralco post.

Innocentes should not apprehend Bayani while in the act as a matter of inter-department courtesy.

As for me I can only have one sandal getting wet during a call of nature. I’ve learned how to half-raise one leg as an exercise in canine loyalty. It’s a survival technique unless you belong to the Lakas-Kampi I tell you.