DATING in the United States (US) was an interesting experience, especially if you’re gay. Personally, I never received a love letter in my life nor a proposal for a date, while living in the Philippines. The idea of even dating another gay man was incomprehensible growing up.
My friends and I always joked that “makilatan unya ta,” if we date another gay man. An unwritten rule that I was aware of growing up in the Philippines was that a gay man cannot date another gay man, and the best thing gay men can hope for is to find slim favors from straight men. So growing up, deciding to live my life honestly as a gay man, I succumbed to the idea that I had no right to fall in love.
Actually now, looking back, I feel angry on how gay teens then were brainwashed to think of such a ridiculous, homophobic, and misogynistic idea. Talking with some young gay Cagay-anons, I am inspired that there is some progress in moving away from this awful idea, especially in bigger metropolises.
When I arrived in the US, I had a chance to meet some other gay Filipino men, who had emigrated from the Philippines in their teens, and they helped me adjust to life as a new immigrant. They also introduced me to the gay culture in the US.
Contrary to what I had been raised to believe in the Philippines, I was astounded to see that gay men could openly and consensually date other gay men.
My friends took me to several gay bars which had varied clientele depending on age and interests. There were dance clubs that were frequented by gay twinks, piano bars that were the favorites of older men, and there were sports bars where people drank, watched games, and met other men.
There were also different interest groups to meet people, like the gay political groups (Stonewall democrats, Log Cabin Republicans), some sports organizations (FrontRunners, Rowing Clubs), and social support groups (Gay-Straight Alliance; Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Growing up singing in the church choir, my favorite were the Gay Men’s Chorus and the Gay Symphony Orchestra.
Just like everybody in the US, dating was mostly done online. Social media was just beginning and dating sites abounded. I combined both. I dated people through the chat rooms and those I met in person at social events.
As a newbie, I had no idea what to expect during dates. I became a passive participant, “pakipot,” meaning I waited to be invited, instead of becoming the initiator. The dating experiences varied from creepy, hilarious to sweet.
I remembered dating a guy who had shaved every hair from his body because he badly wanted to become Asian. I thought that was so weird. I kept telling myself to run away as fast as you can! There was another guy whose online picture was 30 years younger than what he actually looked like. I thought that was so hilariously deceitful. I also dated a guy who stuttered so badly that his introductory sentence was begging me to give him a chance for a second date. I thought that was sweet.
Nothing really panned out from those dates, until I joined the Gay Men’s Chorus. I started dating a guy, who was a duathlon athlete. I wanted to date him, so he can train me to run long distances. We loved getting some ice cream every Sunday afternoon and walking it off around lovely neighborhoods in the city. He took me to my first 10-mile run (16 km), which made me waddle for days but he told me that I was ready for my first marathon (42.8 km). Since then, I was able to run eight marathons and we have been together for 15 years now.