HAVE you experienced waking up at dawn to review a paper? Or constructing a paragraph to complete an introduction for eight long hours? Or spending fewer hours of sleeping and instead consumed much of your time in organizing your thoughts for your paper?
For the many years of writing, I wonder why sometimes it takes a lot of time to convince myself that my dissertation proposal paper is good enough. I feel that writing my paper the entire day is not enough in organizing my thoughts or even completing a single sentence. I worry so much but if I look at how I work, I am pretty sure I am utilizing my time right.
Now, I ask myself. What is going on? Is it because I am turning 43 next month and I am getting old? Hence, my brain cells are beginning to deteriorate. Or is it because I have a chronic illness and I am affected by the medications I take? Hence, leading me to think slowly.
I am thinking about this for many days and finally yesterday I have realized what my problem is. Reading keeps me slow. Reading not just by 20 to 30 articles but more than a hundred is the culprit. Hence, I diagnosed myself as a rigid reader!
Honestly, I don’t find the multiple revisions as hell. I find it heaven because it equips me as a researcher. I learn what is right and wrong along with what is right to others but is evidently wrong. I do hear criticisms from the same people but I always consider them my reason to finish my paper on time.
And so I guess, I must understand that dissertation for a neophyte would need so much of our time. And that the problem may not be with us but it may be the time that we are expected to complete it. My increasing age and my chronic illness is not the problem here. My ultimate question is - when in life can a day becomes more than 24 hours?
But nevertheless, I don’t regret myself immersing from the existing literatures and studies. I am happy overloaded with readings because every day of my life ends with fruitful oceans of data and streams of knowledge. More importantly, I feel blessed to have discovered loads of knowledge not anyone can give me.
So, I will remain reading and writing and vice versa and befriending time. Thinking of course comes with reading and writing!