Enough

M: Jane left her home just last weekend. Married for 10 years with no children, she wants out. He’s been having several affairs and she has had enough of it. She wants to move on. Well, I am not one to tell Jane to hold on when she has valid reasons to let go. Maybe, what I can tell her is that if she wants to move on, she has to decide to cut clean and that includes going through the legal process, hopefully after discerning well and studying all her options.

DJ: It seems like Jane wants space and to have time to process her situation. Based on what I gathered, the aggrieved party usually weighs options looking at two extremes—separation or forgive and move on. These two extremes are difficult choices to make given all the hurt. There is actually a third option—make that decision together. A trained professional or a trusted, wise elder can mediate, provide counsel or a safe space to explore options. Whatever happens next, at least this chapter will have its closure.

M: It’s hard when you break someone’s trust and it is not easy to gain that person’s trust again. Jane’s husband, who is a serial womanizer, will probably not stop doing what he has been doing to her—eroding her trust and giving her reasons to end their marriage. Maybe he has fallen out of love but that is not a reason for him to treat her with disrespect. Or maybe he is just a jerk and he doesn’t know any better. In that case, she is better off without him.

DJ: I learned that the difference between a single affair and serial cheating is on the initial intent. Unfaithful spouses do not intend to have an affair until they fall in love with someone else. Serial cheaters, on the other hand, intend to cheat even before engaging on an extra-marital affair. It is willful and deliberate. Jane obviously wants a monogamous relationship. Thus, for the marriage to work, her husband has to be willful and deliberate in his choice to stop cheating. An example is what people call a transparency contract. This means her husband, from here on, will have to open up all his private information—cell phone bills, credit and bank statements, internet passwords, text messages etc. Not only will this help assure Jane that he’s a changed man, it’ll also curb his intent to cheat again.

M: I think there is nothing to be ashamed of if one gives up. “Never surrender,” “keep the faith” and “fight for your love” are good battle cries. But when your life together is always a battle and there are no more tears to shed for all the crying, let go. Breathe. Live and don’t forget to heal your heart and nourish your soul.

DJ: It’s understandable for Jane to feel betrayed and confused. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end of her. As she moves on from this point, it will become clear how she will go forward. And if done right, she’ll even end up wiser, stronger and at peace moving toward the next chapter, together or apart.

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