A TINGE of melancholy intruded into my feelings this week. A couple in the school my youngest son goes to, died two weeks apart. The man succumbed to an aneurysm. A week later, his wife suffered a stroke, stayed in the ICU, and after another week, she also died. Now, I cannot help but think of the kids and other family they left behind. Abrupt ends without hint or premonition are the hardest to endure.
I speak from experience because the same thing happened to me. My grandma died New Year’s Day of 2008, thirty days later my mom celebrated her own birthday, and then the next day, she succumbed to an aneurysm. It was a double whammy that was very hard to accept, especially because my mother was physically fit, ate healthy food, and had her annual executive check-up four days prior, where she was given a clean bill of health. Moving on then was difficult to imagine and became a daily struggle.
A sudden, unexpected, and traumatic death shatters the world as we know it. At times, it’s so powerful that it can even change us. The loss does not make sense at all, making closure hard to come to terms with. Apart from sadness, denial and anger are strong feelings that also surface. Why do bad things happen to good people? The sudden departure leaves us feeling shaken, afraid, insecure, and vulnerable.
This type of meeting the creator reinforces that life is not always fair. There is no warning and no opportunity to prepare for the loss, to say good-bye, or to deal with unfinished business. I remember going through my mom’s dresser, work table, and computer. It was exactly as she had left them, ready to comeback for the next day’s grind. I recall wanting to dramatically push off all the contents on her office table at the unfairness of it all. But, her OC-self would’ve been unhappy, so I had settled for methodically placing them in labelled brown boxes. She would’ve been proud.
The most painful was not seeing her plans come into fruition. She had flight tickets booked to come to see me and my family. She had also made a tentative reservation to take all of us to Australia with a travel agent. Ah, the what could have beens... Cancelling all of those were bittersweet. And being told by the agent that I needed to present her NSO death certificate to get a refund was a cold, callous slap on my face that told me she was indeed never coming back.
On the flip side, sifting through her things and reading her files were like finding jigsaw pieces of her personality; there were sides she never showed me, her own child. I remember one of her staff talking about how a cool and chill boss she was. But to me, she was always on mommy-mode. I guess, one of the blessings of death in general is that no matter how we grieve, we don’t have to do it alone. There will be angels in the form of people who will lessen the blow.
On top of that, we find out many facets of our loved ones that we never knew existed. We learn it in the eulogies and through the stuff they leave behind. It would have been nicer, though, if my mom had shown me herself. But, as they say, everything happens for a good reason, and there are just some questions that will forever be whys. We just have to trust that things always unfold in God’s perfect time.
We all hope to live a long life, especially for our children. My daily prayer is for God to be kind enough to let me see my grandkids because if that were to happen, I know my children would already be stable and happy adults. But unfortunately, we can’t counter fate or destiny. The moment we are born, we already have an expiration date. No matter where we are or what we do, if death comes knocking we cannot avoid it. The only thing we CAN do is live this gift of life to the fullest. We only have one.
Since I have been taught from experience that death can snatch my loved ones and even me in a snap of a finger, I have been more purposeful and intentional in living out the minutes of my life. Why be a useless, whiny waste of space when I can extend my hand and heart for others? The realization that tomorrow is not promised to anyone helps me see what is truly important in my life, so I don’t get lost in trivial matters.
It helps me appreciate every little thing, even the stuff that annoys me, because I see them now as a part of His plan. Now, I am more conscious not putting off until tomorrow those things I can say and do today. The beauty of having my heart broken was it was broken open. Pain humbled me and gave God a chance to step in to hold me and mold me to the person I am meant to be.