OF course I am indignant. Some men claim they don’t understand consent anymore. They roll their eyes at the concept of date rape. They practically hit the roof on the issue of marital rape. Sexual assault is committed by strangers. No.
All sex between people who are on friendly or romantic terms is necessarily consensual. No.
A woman dressing sexy, smiling, laughing, flirting, accepting drinks and offers of a ride home means yes. No.
If a woman says yes today, that means a yes tomorrow and every other time thereafter. No.
Once a woman says yes, she can no longer change her mind. No. Once she says yes to one activity, that means a yes to all. No. No response, reaction or resistance means yes. No.
Consent is not complicated. But you need to get consent—every single time. And why not? If I grant you permission to use my car today, that doesn’t mean you can use it again tomorrow. Or ever.
When I was young, a friend of mine constantly harped about how his girlfriend kept expecting him to drive her everywhere.
“Well,” I countered, “didn’t you use to do that quite willingly and happily before?”
“Yes, but just because I did it willingly 20 or 30 times before doesn’t mean I want to do it every time she wants me to do it. Frankly, it now feels like an obligation and a chore and I’m no longer happy to do it.”
Well, there it is—straight from a man’s mouth.
Consent is not complicated. Assume nothing. Appearance, relationship, experience, history—these do not mean yes. Consent happens when you actually communicate with each other. It doesn’t have to be verbal. But it needs to be explicit. Clear. Resounding. When in doubt, don’t. It’s that simple.
But some people assume much, move fast, feel entitled and thus get enraged when they don’t get what they want. If people, on the other hand, assume nothing, take things slow, communicate at every step and remain respectful, there is no room for miscommunication.
Some people’s capacity to consent is impaired. Isn’t it obvious that the intimidated, the infirm, the inebriated, the underaged, the unconscious—are all incapable of giving consent? So why do men still claim consensual sex under these circumstances?
We teach our children contraception yet fail to teach them about consent and communication. Mixed signals are a result of misconceptions.
Consent is not complicated—especially if you understand that it’s not a right but a privilege, that each person has autonomy over her body and sovereignty over her person. So work on your emotional intelligence rather than your sexual prowess. Improving the former can do wonders for the latter.
Of course I am indignant. Some men say they don’t understand consent anymore. I know they just want to be cads and get away with it. Well, not anymore. #Timesup