“HOW do you like your coffee?” he asks. “Black,” I reply. “Like me?” he smiles. I roll my eyes.
He politely steps back, breaks into a wider grin and lets it go. In a minute, he is back with my coffee—black as I like it. But he leaves me alone. I drink my coffee in silence and watch the sunrise over the breathtaking African horizon.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned I got from my graduate school professor in Management, who, one day, for some reason, felt the need to dish out some relationship advice.
“Gentlemen,” she said, “if you are interested in a woman, make your move and let her know. But if she’s not into you, then accept it like a man and move on. Don’t sulk. Don’t make threats. Don’t force yourself on someone who doesn’t want you.”
She addressed her advice to the men but I think the same applies to women.
One night, I am rudely awakened by the ringing of the phone in my hotel room. I had been living here for a couple of months as a student of Chinese language studies at the university nearby. Groggy from sleep, I pick up the phone. “Hello?”
It’s my Japanese classmate speaking Chinese very slowly to me as if to ensure that I understand him. “Would you like to come to my room and eat watermelons with me?”
“Huh?” I am so sleepy. I cannot comprehend why he is inviting me to eat watermelons at this hour. It is past midnight. I remember thinking, the guy is nuts. I mutter, “No” and promptly go back to sleep.
The next day, we sit next to each other in class. The phone call never comes up. In fact, I forget all about it. We remain friends till the end of the term. He’s a journalist too—actually the Hong Kong bureau chief of a Japanese media outlet.
I forget all about this strange midnight call till a few months later when I get an email from him asking my whereabouts and suggesting we meet up somewhere. And then it dawns on me that the guy was hitting on me that night with the watermelon invite. I still laugh about it, many, many years later.
I ignore his email. And add him to my list of ghosting victims.
I don’t think any of these incidents a big deal. There are other incidents, other guys and other pick-up lines through the years. These guys are just flirting, hitting on me—though others have more serious intentions.
I respect them for trying. It takes courage to try. I respect them for letting go. It takes humility to take “no” for an answer and move on.
They tried. They failed. They moved on. I think that’s the way it should be—just as my graduate professor said it.
In the era of the #MeToo movement, some men say they no longer know what to say or do. But it’s simple. If you like someone, let them know. If they’re not into you, then accept it like a man and move on.
Of course, same rules apply to women. #UsToo