IT’S one thing to choose to be alone, another to be left alone without a choice.
My mother had good days as well as bad days. But she had great days too and we lived for these days. We could almost fool ourselves into thinking these days would last forever, but her inability to breathe unaided belied our fantasy.
I opted to face reality. It was agonizing to think about it, but I knew the odds were nil that my mother would still be with us by Christmas. So I did what Mama would have expected me to do under the circumstances—I started operating in contingency mode.
I went on a Christmas shopping marathon and worked day and night. And after I had organized, assembled, packed, wrapped and closed the last employee Christmas pack, Mama quietly left.
It was as if she knew what I had been up to the last two days she spent mostly sleeping. She patiently waited for me to get my Santa duties done because she knew I didn’t have any elves to help me.
From the very beginning, I submitted to God’s will. I prayed fervently, but I was determined not to be greedy. I did not ask God for more time, only less pain for my mother. She was 89. Some don’t even make it to adolescence.
I did not question God’s plan. I did not ask why. I did not ask how it happened. Death is part of life. We all have to go sometime. We just don’t know when and how it will happen.
I was grateful to be in a position to be with my mother during the last months of her life. I was grateful for all the love that came our way. I was grateful to God for sending us miracles and angels every day.
But I was afraid—deathly afraid of how the end would come. I was afraid of making a misstep. I was afraid of failing my mother. So I prayed for God’s grace and guidance. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for God’s mercy to grant my mother, peaceful passage to His kingdom.
God did not forsake us.
Mama lived long enough to celebrate her 62nd wedding anniversary with Papa. And what a day it was with both of them reminiscing about the day they first met, when he decided she was the one, why she said yes.
God granted my mother enough time.
She did not live long enough to severely suffer from the complications of long-term illness and immobility. She had difficult moments, but for the most part, she was not in pain.
The final stretch was short enough for Mama to be spared a lingering and excruciating end, but it was long enough for her to have enough time to finally show us what love truly is. Generous. Forgiving. Enduring. Inescapably imperfect but absolutely attainable.
I’ve been alone for the most part of my life by choice. But when God took my mother away from me, He did not give me a choice.
It’s been a very long time since I felt alone and lonely. But it’s been a very long time since I’ve loved someone so deeply.