IS THE first month of 2019 as exciting and positive as you have wanted it to be?
It was the second Thursday of the new year. Normally, I would be in animated spirits already in anticipation of the weekend. But I was unusually exhausted and uninspired. Maybe it was the calls that I had to make earlier that day which drained me. I hate being the bearer of bad news. I called some of the bank’s clients about our increasing interest rates.
Eager to free myself from the looming bondage of negativity, I decided to make a detour after office instead of driving home straight. I braved the traffic in the jungles of Cogon, Corrales and Pabayo in order to seek solitary comfort at the quaint and dramatic Chingkeetea.
While waiting for the indulgence of a large Wintermelon with egg pudding, I sent a message to a friend about my state: “I’m tired. I’m sleepy. I feel exhausted which is weird because I didn’t do much today compared to the other days. I want to go abroad.” What I actually meant was, I wish to be in another setting or I want to try to do something different.
Amidst the animated and endless chatter of customers, I wondered if some of them were there for a ruminative kind of time-out too. I pondered whether the nostalgia and vintage-imagery that characterized the place spoke to them as they did to me. The mismatched, imperfect wooden furniture, the dried Amaranths, Baby’s breaths and other variations of flora and fauna, hanging downside seem to remind that there is an unassuming beauty even in dryness and decay.
Then there was the old and unused wooden piano -- the resident wallflower. Near the entrance was a recycled divider, glorious yet subtle with its old-fashioned steel detail. I wished all these ancient items could join in the dusk’s banters. Perhaps, they would be able to share some wisdom about morphing into something that looks derelict but still so appealing; seasoned and experienced, instead of being plain old and irrelevant.
I recently asked a friend’s opinion about this repetitive introspection and the melancholy it brings. She said in jest that I was just getting old. We both laughed. However, quipped that I would not rely on her illogical diagnosis. But then again, I am entering my fifth year of residency in CDO. Maybe my journey was reaching a steady and uninspiring state.
When I arrived in this city in 2015, I wrote down five-year, 10-year and 15-year plans like a list of to-dos. Now that my fifth year is drawing to a close, I feel restless, many times bothered, because I feel like cramming everything that I have yet to accomplish. Sure, there are items in the list that have been crossed out but there are so much more that remain undone.
Time, as always, seems to be running out. With my birthday three months ago officially evicting me from the limited, discriminatory numbers of the calendar, I feel that I am coming short with the targets that I have set for myself. I dread at the thought of not being able to cross some items on my list and missing the deadlines on certain milestones that have been planned.
Yet I know too, that while it’s important to acknowledge frustrations and disappointments, it is imperative not to linger or worse, be trapped by them. It is truly convenient to dwell on our negative feelings because they thrive without us having to do anything. But the desperation that consumes and destroys must be reason enough to confront and overcome these foes within ourselves.
I find myself wandering in the deep catacombs of past events and recall the tumultuous times that I had as a 24-year old. I was in a series of personal problems and what helped to keep it together was the faith that there will be better days and the drive to attain them. I promised myself to look back to that moment, if circumstances will test me again, to remind myself that I survived it.
It was around eight in the evening and as most of the patrons have left, the decibels of earlier cheerful discussions finally waned. The thinning crowd also revealed a more visible, beautiful mise en scene—all the individual elements were after all placed in disciplined creativity and perfect harmony in order to show a detailed, complete picture. kennymacrohon@gmail.com