IF THERE’S one place I wanted to be yesterday, it’s Fort San Pedro. Where else? It was Valentine’s Day, and tradition demands that a couple or two are bound to get arrested for having sex inside this walled enclosure. No amount of Facebook stalking beats the experience of watching couples do it live and get arrested for doing it behind the Spanish cannons lining the battlements of the fort.

Yes, it seems like lovers inside the fort want to do it with the iron coldness of the big ancient guns within reach. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. I got this information from the police, who said they have statistics to prove that couples inside Fort San Pedro seemed to experience mysterious arousal the nearer they get to the cannons, until they can’t take it anymore and they rip each other’s clothes off.

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There must be some kind of a cosmic connection between sex and explosions, as represented by the cannon. For example, until now somebody has yet to come up with an explanation why the dateless are fated to face the firing squad on the day of lovers. Do you know where in Cebu this massacre of the lonely is always supposed to take place? In Plaza Independencia, a stone’s throw away from Fort San Pedro, where the cannons seemed to scan the crowd for dateless promenaders.

But I’m being superstitious here. Sex psychologists say the cosmos has nothing to do with sex and firing squads and dead Hispanic cannons. It’s just that having sex in a public place is simply every man and woman’s fantasy, especially for couples on the adventurous side. The thought that romance is being celebrated everywhere in the world on the very same moment you’re holding hands with a hot chick atop a wall of a historic bastion provides that extra testosterone push, when caution is thrown to the wind.

The thrill of possibly getting caught with one’s pants down is part of this kind of sexual encounter. It’s very human, and very kinky. Those who have done it in the elevator, on a Ferris wheel, in the cemetery, in a call center’s smoking area, on the hood of a car, on horseback, on a billiards table, on a construction crane, or atop a mango tree will see no reason not to do it at the entrance of Fort San Pedro or on the skating rink of Plaza Indepen-dencia. Sorry, but what’s gross to one is wild sex to another.

The police, however, have a more practical explanation for sex inside Fort San Pedro and at Plaza Indepen-dencia—and for that matter, all other public places where couples are periodically caught getting jiggy with each other, sidewalks, parking lots, skywalks, construction sites, reclamation areas. The reason is that sex in public places is free.

Do you remember that couple getting caught doing it inside the premises of a church in Talisay City last year? After failing to convince the authorities that they covered themselves with the latest issue of a local daily, they ran out of excuses and said, all the world’s a bedroom.

For couples like them, sex in public is not a matter of experimentation, or doing it for the thrill. It’s simply economics. There’s a need to be fulfilled right this very minute, and anything that helps them meet the need for free, the consumer grabs the opportunity.

So, did I go to Fort San Pedro yesterday? No I didn’t. I went home for the weekend, where my favorite mango tree is waiting.

[ tsinelas.org ]