DEAR Dr. Fritz,
Please call me Romeo. I was married before. But, it ended because I saw a picture of my wife kissing another man. Our relationship became a disaster because of what I discovered. So, we became legally separated. Moving on, I met another woman recently, she moved in to my house and became my common-law-wife. She was someone I feel I could trust. But, recently, I saw a picture of her in her Facebook account of her kissing her ex, which was about a year before we met. I know I can’t blame her because that happened before we were together.
The problem is, it seemed that things have changed. I cannot understand why she haven’t deleted them. She told me she forgot. But, I became suspicious of her. Certain scenarios can easily get into my mind. I just felt that the feelings that almost wrecked me with my previous wife came alive again.
Please help me get over this.
Thank you and hope to hear from you soon.
Romeo O. Of Agdao
Dear Romeo O. Of Agdao,
Alright, let's get moving...
The key to your problem is acceptance. You have to accept that what happened between you and your previous wife was entirely different from what you have right now. This is a different relationship.
Moreover, don’t let those certain scenarios playing in your mind get you. I believe they are pulling you down. Remind yourself that these are just your thoughts. The question is: how accurate your thoughts are? As a matter of fact, you said you feel you can trust her. I think she deserves that more than your baseless suspicions. Learn to trust again - because if you don't, no matter who you will be in the future, your relationship will never get through nor survive any storm. Remember that in any relationship, trust is the key and only then you can build your relationship.
Now if you think your present partner has these three things: if she sees sorrow behind your smile, love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence, then trust her or you might regret forever losing her.
I wanted you to instill these words in your heart and in your mind: "Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue."
But, if you feel you still can’t get over this, then effective therapy can help you to separate feelings related to past events from your response to your current situation.
(Dr. Fritz Legarde Espedilla is an aesthetic dermatologist and surgeon and a clinical sexologist. She is also trained in hypnotherapy and Medical Acupuncture. She has been in the broadcast media for more than a decade and has written a book based on her 15 year stint with her radio program, “Healthy is Sexy Secrets ni Dr. Fritz.” She is also a faculty in a College of Pharmacy. For your questions, you may send them to Dear Dr. Fritz, c/o Sunstar-Davao Publishing Inc., Ebro-Pelayo Building, Jacinto St., Davao City, (former Department of Foreign Affairs office), across Ateneo de Davao University and beside Holy Child School of Davao, or you e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you don’t wish your letter to be published, we regret that we cannot answer them. Thank you for your understanding.)