MY FATHER is haunted by this recurring dream—he is lost. He is driving around the city trying to find his way home but somehow, he can’t. He seems to be driving in circles.
When my father first tells me about this dream, I tell him not to worry. You see, I’ve had this recurring dream too with exactly the same theme—getting lost. I tell him it’s about the fear of losing control.
My father’s dreams start around the time my mother is slowly fading away. One night, Mama confides to us that she is plagued by a nagging problem. When we ask what this problem is, she says she’s lost. She can’t find her way home.
We are not sure what Mama means by “home.” Is she trying to get to the afterlife or is she trying to stay here on Earth? Which home does she mean? With us? Or back into the bosom of her family now all gone from this Earth?
After two weeks of random rambling about being lost, my mother finally finds her way home into the arms of her creator.
After my mother passes, my father dreams again but this time, my mother is behind the wheel and my father is a passenger in the vehicle. They are driving around, lost and can’t find their way home.
Three weeks ago, on the eve of the re-interment of the remains of my paternal grandparents and uncle (who died as a child), my father and I both dream of getting lost.
My father is driving around the city trying to get home. There is a flood. He can’t get through many streets. There are roadblocks everywhere. He drives through tunnels, mountains, fields but he still can’t find his way back.
That same night, I also dream of getting lost. I am in Italy. I wake up at dawn in my hotel room. There is someone in the room with me but I cannot make out the face. I decide to take a walk. When it’s time to get back to the hotel, I find that I can’t.
I can’t find a street that will take me back to the hotel. I start to worry because I have agreed to have breakfast with someone back at the hotel which I am sure I cannot do now because I can’t find my way back.
Wandering through the streets of Italy, however, I bump into someone I know. I can’t make out the face too but it’s someone in whose company I feel safe. I don’t make it back to the hotel but I feel safe finding someone I know and trust.
I do not know what our dreams mean. But I can only surmise that Papa and I are both searching for something.
Mama appearing behind the wheel in Papa’s dream when she actually did not drive might mean that she is now in control and looking after us. Papa not finding his way home may mean it’s not yet time for him to leave us.
I guess I’m trying to find my way home too. But home is not a physical place for me. Home is where my heart is. Apparently, I’m trying to get there too. I don’t really feel lost but serendipitously, I am in Italy. Now.