M: What is “proper notice” when breaking engagements? Will an e-mail suffice? Susana wrote that her boyfriend broke up their engagement through an e-mail. And yet, she is still hopeful that they will get back together. Or maybe, this is because she has a hard time moving on because they did not have proper closure. I hate to break Susana’s hope bubble but I think she is the only one who does not have closure. The guy has obviously closed his mind on their engagement and his e-mail breaking it off was his way of ending their relationship. Hurtful, yes. Proper? Maybe not. But it is better that he informed her even by e-mail than letting her wait in vain for nothing or worse, if he just disappeared without any word.
DJ: While there is no easy way to break someone’s heart, at least there is a proper way to do it. Breaking up through messaging is often reserved for one night stands or hookups. Her fiancé should have been fair enough to close the relationship with a period, not with another other punctuation mark. It is understandable if Susana views her situation as a disaster worse than the “Game of Thrones” finale. But I hope she’ll gather enough courage not to correct a mistake with another mistake. I suggest she tries her best to stay levelheaded. Cusses and curses, or begging and taking the role of a doormat must be reserved only for telenovelas.
M: It is normal for anyone to have pre-wedding jitters. But if one can’t shake off the feeling that the impending marriage is an impending doom and a big mistake, it is best to rethink making an important, life-changing decision. For Susana, I think she can have closure if she reassesses their relationship to see the red flags that she may have missed or swept aside. It will be painful to relieve memories or moments but if you go through an assessment of what went wrong or were wrong in the relationship in the first place, maybe you can better appreciate the reasons why it ended or why it had to end. From there, decide that things are over and it is better to move on.
DJ: I’ve got three suggestions for Susana to consider: (1) Let go of the possibility. She can continue loving him. But she’ll be able to get through the process faster if she’ll no longer entertain thoughts of them getting back together. (2) She has to love herself more. This isn’t selfishness. For her to have more love to give, she’s got to love herself, too. She can only give love when there’s enough love inside her to share. (3) Turn the pain into a gain. When two people are in a relationship, both contributed in some way to whatever happened to it. While she should not totally blame herself for the breakup, she can’t also perpetually froth in the mouth over unfairness and injustice. What she can do is acknowledge her role in what went wrong. It’s an important part of the learning process.
M: There is a lot at stake when ending an engagement. In fairness to Susana’s ex fiancé, even if he just sent her an e-mail to end their engagement, he thought it might be easier for both of them (well, easier for him) if he wrote it rather than do it face-to-face. It’s easy to anticipate that the woman could take it badly and be enraged or hysterical. Well, who wouldn’t be when you think of wasted time, feelings and sometimes, money. Not to mention, the humiliation of having announced to the world “I’ve found my soulmate and we’re getting married!” and then having to follow it up with “Oh no, we’re not.” But think of it this way: There’s no such thing as wasted time in a relationship. It feels terrible now that it is over but you’ve gained a lot from this experience.
DJ: At the end of the day, a relationship isn’t a failure just because it ended. If Susana uses this experience to grow as a person and learn something out of it, then it still serves a purpose and is a success. In fact, this might just be a beginning of an even better life. And it starts as soon as she takes the step to move herself forward.