Moises & Palmares: Know kids or no kids?

M: JUNA is engaged to Johnny. There’s one thing that’s bothering her though—he doesn’t want to have kids. Is this something that she should worry about? No and yes. If it’s because he doesn’t want to pass on a genetically acquired disease, then it should not bother her. Now if it’s just because he simply doesn’t want to, this is already a complex situation they need to discuss and decide on before they’ll get married.

DJ: This situation is not as simple as just giving up or walking out. It’s tricky. If Juna wants to procreate but Johnny doesn’t want to, then she needs to look beyond whatever wedding plans they have. Assuming that she has already processed her reasons why she wants to raise children, the first thing she can do is find out exactly what his actual objection to having kids is about and why he feels that way. It also helps to know whether this is just a “not now” or a “never.” He might have all the right reasons but this is a decision they both have to make.

M: She should ask him his reasons for not wanting any children. Maybe he has fears that she does not know about. If it has something to do with a medical history that family members share and which he does not want their future child or children to suffer, it will be well to discuss this so Juna understands where Johnny is coming from. I know a couple where the woman wants to have children but the man is not keen on having some because of their family history of kidney disease. The man has a kidney problem and so with his sisters and now his nephews and nieces. He fears that their child might have the same disease from which his family members suffer.

DJ: The fact that she’s seeking for a magic word to thrill her to bits, she needs something concrete to chew on. She can consider talking to people whose opinion she trusts. Because while Johnny can take his sweet time thinking about it, her biological clock is ticking. So instead of reacting to each other, have the kind of dialogue that seeks to understand each other’s hopes, needs and dreams in life. Then take it from there. As they say, we marry a person for everything that he or she is today, not for who we hope he or she will be.

M: Having children is a blessing. It is also a privilege that is not enjoyed by some and some because it is their personal choice. What is important is for the couple to talk about this because while it is essential for one, it might just be a preference of another. Issues that are not threshed out might become sources of conflict in the future. While Juna and Johnny are already engaged, it will be well for them to take this time to seriously discuss this matter of having children. If and when they do get married, at least they are better prepared to deal with the challenges that married life brings.

DJ: Couples make a lot of compromises to make a relationship work. Juna and Johnny should both be in this together. Not thinking things through and being truthful to one’s real thoughts and feelings often result to resentment that grows and even poisons a relationship. Once they give themselves enough time to ponder and openly discuss, they’ll know what to do. Everyone deserves to be happy.


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