FOR many years, my mother drummed into my head the idea that every woman needs a husband. For many years, I stood my ground.
A few years ago, in one of my cleaning sprees, I saw my high school yearbook. And I discovered to my surprise that as far back as high school, I had already declared my bias for the single state.
I cannot imagine how and why at 16, I knew for certain I was not cut out for a lifetime commitment. Nevertheless, the fire had been lit. It burned slowly. But it stayed. Throughout my adulthood, events around me solidified my beliefs.
I saw a lot of bad marriages. And I saw how bad marriages brought out the worst in people. The separations did not traumatize me. The unions did. The marriages that stayed intact legally—despite the abuse, the serial infidelity, the disrespect, the indignities.
I could not stand the farce. I could not stand the fakery. I could not stomach the idea that the end justifies the means—that it is all right to lose your self and your soul to preserve the bonds of matrimony.
I understand that life is a series of trade-offs. We pay a price for everything we want in life. I would not presume to know what it must be like to give up who you are for what you believe is more important in your life. I understand that people stay married for many reasons other than love.
I just cannot imagine myself being one of those people. Or perhaps, more accurately, I don’t want to be one of those people.
For many years, my mother tried hard to convince me that every woman needs a husband in her life. I thought that eventually, we would just have to agree to disagree. To my delight, however, a few years before she passed, my mother and I had a meeting of minds.
She said she realized that what she believed was true in her time was no longer true in mine. She knew she need not worry about me anymore because quite obviously, I didn’t need a husband to survive and thrive.
Acquiring a spouse should not be a life goal. Finding a long-term lover and friend should be. Marriage should not be the fulfillment of one of life’s basic requirements. Marriage should be the fulfillment of a love so profound, you want to nurture it for the rest of your life.
I know there are happily married people out there. I know a few myself. Know that I pray for you every chance I get because I know marriage is hard but that being in it must be harder.
“Marriage is not for everyone. It’s not that great, anyway.”
All these people who feel the compelling need to share with me their words of wisdom are, of course, all married. I know you mean well, but I think you should stop giving me advice. You see, at 55, I’m still a rebel. I tend to do the opposite of what I’m told.
I don’t need a husband. I know I never will. So when I say yes, know that it can only be for love.