IT’S nine days before Christmas. Simbang Gabi has started and so now most of us, especially the children, are excited for the days to come. Pretty much the most awaited time of the year is just around the corner, school is almost out and even the weather seems to be cooperating. The wind is colder, the sun kinder too.
Really, this is more than enough to put anyone in the mood for Christmas. I already know this is actually happening now because I have noticed that everyone seems to be more appreciative and thoughtful. (Or maybe that’s because they want to make sure they stay on Santa’s Nice list!) Sadly though, I’m in a blue funk.
At nine days prior to the big 25th, my Christmas is blue and I know I am not alone.
I lost my sister early this year and I feel her absence these days more than ever. It’s made worse by the fact that she was the go-to person for Christmas decorations in our household. So yeah, hardly any Christmas trimmings at home. It’s just a bit conflicting to feel Christmas joy mixed with pangs of sadness and loss. Something inside you just goes “arghhh” each time you want to say Merry Christmas!
It’s weird, the blues I’ve been feeling and it gets worse as each day passes. I got excited when we went to see the light show at the City Hall last night but amidst all the twinkling lights and the happy carols came this feeling of melancholia. I couldn’t shake the feeling even if I wanted to do so. The aching void was in the shape of my sister, and my dad too. It has always been there since they went away but it has gotten worse these past few days because it’s Christmastime.
Christmas is a happy time. People celebrate, exchange gifts, go to parties and vacations. You’re richer (briefly) because of the bonuses and 13th and 14th month pays. It is sunshine for the soul amidst the colder weather (climate change permitting). Yes, it IS that time for rejoicing and smiling.
So I feel a bit out of place. And I’m sure I am not alone. This is for us, those who feel a bit (or more) of pain and sadness because we are one (or more) loved one less. We will survive this with the memories they have left us, and in the company of the people who are still around us to celebrate this jolly season.