“Your hair’s a mess.”
“You don’t look good in that dress.”
“You’re a weakling.”
“You’re never good enough.”
THESE statements used to hurt me during my growing up years but now all I have are vivid memories on how these lines were uttered animatedly. I guess I deserve to be warned, criticized and lambasted by this mortal.
Her hair always looked good with her soft curly locks falling neatly into place. She wore different hues while I stood in awe why I do not have her skin color. I am too scared to try on an outfit. Too afraid to see the creases on her forehead or the occasional smirks I get showing her disgust. I ain’t good enough.
I may have the attention from my friends. I may have the approval from my teachers. I may gain praises from my dad. I may be recommended to join competitions. But to her, I ain’t good enough.
“Ain’t good enough.” Did it hurt me? Did I complain? Did I wallow in despair? Did I sow hatred? I have had my share of mixed feelings which serve as an enormous drive to challenge myself.
“Ain’t good enough.” Those years which I struggled and realized that I need to do something to improve myself. I knew her brand. I knew her standards and I keep knowing it until now. She would not settle for anything less. She puts premium in excellence. She is a passionate worker. She loves to deal with people. She can be comfortable with all types of personalities while she used to scold me for my overt shyness and lack of self–confidence. She was eloquent. She was fashionable. She was gregarious. She was funny and she was loved by many. In short, she was everything I’m not. I am flawed and she was near perfect. She is graceful. I am awkward. She is spontaneous. I was hesitant.
Looking back, I am glad she raised me this way. She was not the kind of person you could easily melt into by getting good grades or winning contests. She sets high standards. Her praises are hard to earn. Yet when you get one, you will never forget that grin painted all over her face.
I tried so hard until it hurts. I tried even more until I get numbed with the pain. Until now, I still keep on trying to give my best in everything and anything. Her words keep on coming back...echoing...reverberating...whispering to me, to always put my best foot forward...to be always the best version of myself everyday.
“Ain’t good enough.” This phrase serves as my constant reminder yet she spoke no more of this when she was in her senior years. All I hear were praises and commendations. She was incredibly proud of me and my family.
“She’s good enough. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and she’s my daughter.” These phrases she kept uttering to her friends. She even has a photograph of me in her wallet. She also treasured my old identification cards which I already considered trash. She would sneak photos from our family album and display it to her friends.
But what did she get? She would hear of my disapproval on her choice of friends. She would see me grumble as I remind her of her dietary restrictions. She would sense my urgency as I hasten our phone call due to hectic and conflicting schedules. Yet she would always understand my excuses of not being able to see her regularly.
“You ain’t good enough.” “You always break your doctor’s advice. You are hard headed. Why are you eating that again? Why are you not drinking your medicines?” These statements she repeatedly heard from her eldest child whom she often scolded for not being good enough.
“Ain’t good enough.” Alas! If only I could turn back the hands of time. I didn’t understand enough until my last talk with her. She requested for her favorite soup while on her hospital bed. Without any second thoughts, I gave a firm NO. My thoughts were screaming that she was being irrational...that she’s not heeding the doctor’s orders again. I am well informed of the standing policy before her scheduled operation. It was NPO, ‘nil per os’, a Latin phrase which means “nothing through the mouth.” She begged, she pleaded, she was teary eyed when she told me she was too hungry. I did not listen. I only want what is best for her. I was hoping we could visit her favorite seafood restaurant after her operation. I was looking forward for her recuperation. I was hoping to fulfill my promise that she could travel with us on a family vacation. But all these turned into false hopes as she never made it on her scheduled operation. We lost her a month before her 70th birthday and five days before the birth of her fifth great grandchild.
Indeed, she was right when she said I ain’t good enough. Ain’t good enough to reciprocate a dying mom’s wish. I was too manipulative and overly protective. I kept hanging on and refused to let go. Too dumb to see that broken hope...too late to reciprocate her unrequited dream.
The woman I am referring to is my mom who now left this mortal world. I may have my pitfalls and shortcomings as a daughter, she may have her woes and sentiments in raising me as her eldest and only daughter but today, I am able to wear a smile on my face knowing she is in a better place. A place where there is no suffering...a place of serenity and healing...a place of comfort and bliss...a place where she shares giggles fondly with my dad...a place devoid of hatred, jealousy and enmity...a place where she enjoys the splendor of His Divine Presence....
She deserves that place...It ain’t only good enough...but best enough.