I GET my inspiration for these columns from all sorts of random things. This actual statement last week by Trump on Covid-19 inspires this column:
“I’ve been briefed on every contingency you could possibly imagine. Many contingencies. A lot of positive. Different numbers, all different numbers, very large numbers, and some small numbers too... it’s really working out and a lot of good things are going to happen.”
The story that follows is satire... but perhaps not far off from reality.
Enjoy my imagination.
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Here we can now reveal through secret sources a briefing Trump had yesterday from the Pence Covid-19 team...
300,341/7/billions and billions and billions/3/33/33,732/14 and the briefing concluded with the number 884,319.
All were happy as the King was pleased. He scribbled down all the numbers so Ivana or Don Jr. might explain them later. He didn’t even scold today the two in his team who wore a mask at the briefing.
Pence for his part retired to the west wing for a luncheon with some visiting Christian ministers that were from his boss’ base. Of course, white bread was one of the main courses on the menu. They discussed Trump’s defeat of Satan in his second term. Meanwhile, the scientists and doctors from Pence’s team went back to their desks to contemplate again the fact that one day they would be shunned in the clinical and academic communities they were once respected in.
Trump flew off in Air Force One to the nearest golf course he owned to hit some balls to relax as frankly... numbers tire and confuse him. Afterwards, in the limo on the way back to Air Force One, he called the president of Brazil to seek more guidance on how to handle the Covid strategy.
Trump was still looking for more bold moves to get voters’ minds over the virus. He bounced a few ideas off of his staff. “How ‘bout if I pardon Roger Stone and make him my new attorney general?”
“Let’s give Medal of Freedom recognition to all those folks on YouTube refusing to wear masks in Costco or Walmart?”
“Let’s ban the use of Mandarin within the country?”
“Let’s ban all Europeans from travel to the USA unless they agree to wear MAGA (Make America Great Again) hats?”
“Can we make any form of kneeling a crime?”
Trump tired of the thought process... it was all a bit too much. Needing more fresh ideas he turned on Fox News to take notes and feeling a bit hungry he ordered a Happy Meal from a McDo a couple of blocks away via Foodpanda. Just for the hell of it he also ordered 12 pizzas to be delivered to Nancy Pelosi’s office. Hihi. What a prankster I am!
Trump was feeling so alone... so misunderstood. If people only understood if not for those “pesky bone spurs” in the ‘70s he surely would have been a Navy Seal Team Leader. Numbers he thought, I need more numbers. I need another huge rally where cheering and adoring believers can sit packed like sardines without a mask in sight. Last week at the Rushmore rally, he really wanted to insist his face be added to the mountainside by yearend but no one took him seriously.
***
That’s the end of my satire piece. I hope you took it in the spirit it was intended.
What’s not funny is indeed the way that Trump is setting back the US. As an American who has lived abroad all my adult life, I am just astounded that there is no uproar at his words, tweets and deeds. It is as if there are no adults in the room to speak up. In four months the American public needs to send a clear message to Trump that indeed “his number is up.”